Illusions of My Memories
by SavingRain
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world. Updated, Chapter 12 (Incomplete- may not be finished). KaguraSesshoumaru
1. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 1

Title: Illusions of My Memories   
Author: SavingRain   
Rating: R   
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world. Listen to her story, as she falls in love, backwards.(KaguraxSesshoumaru) 

**ETA- to put in italics**

_When it happened, I thought that he would have more to say to me. _

Through everything I had experienced after Naraku's death, he had been a constant, and I had looked to him for guidance. It may sound strange that I even expected him to give me any, but he was a survivor, he was powerful and had been around longer than many youkai could remember. Those who could recall the days of his father often remembered him ruling by his side, sweeping across the land as a solitary figure, going where he pleased and about his business, a striking enigma of strength. 

He was my guide, and what Naraku could never be. He was my teacher. 

I was strong before I met him, but after Naraku's death, Sesshoumaru had made me stronger. I longed so much for freedom, I don't know if anyone can understand what it is like to want something that you have never experienced, something that seems so common to everyone else. There are many slaves who can identify with my plight, who have had a taste for freedom, a thirst for water that they knew existed but could never taste. Once I thought that I would always go thirsty. 

I was horrified when I finally was able to drink, and still found myself unfulfilled. 

Kagura sighed, leaning into the wind as she gripped the edges of her feather. She looked down and saw the earth stretch out beneath her. People moving about their business, youkai slaying youkai over their pathetic land squabbles. She looked back up to the sky, focusing on her destination. Freedom. It was precious, and rarely ever appreciated. She recalled the emptiness that came when she first tasted it, and the unbridled elation that was quickly followed by a sickening emptiness. Freedom without purpose. 

_I learned then, how unsatisfying it was to posess freedom and have nothing to do with it. I won't deny that it felt good to breathe air into my lungs and travel aimlessly for days on end, losing track of time and satisfying my fancies--but if that satisfaction did not linger. _

If it had, I would never have returned to the Western Lands. I sought Sesshoumaru out, needing something that I wasn't sure I had the right or the strength to ask for. But I had never been one to be bound by the rights that I felt society had given to me. 

I searched for a long time, so long that for a while I wondered if our meetings together had been a dream. I even allowed myself to think that I had only imagined him, towering over me with his great blade of life, restoring me with the same hand that had killed me moments before. 

Kagura reflexively placed her hand against her stomach, kneading it against the silken fabric and feeling the imaginary scar that was there. Sometimes at night, it stillburned. The sun was starting to set on the horizon. 

_The night I finally saw him again, he had the same look in his eyes as when he had given me new life. He was so sure, andso empty. He barely acknowledged me as he turned away and led me off into the darkness. _

I followed him, and he allowed me to come astride with him and share the sunset. The wind swept over us and I felt like I had never left, as if the moment when he had brought me back to life was all a dream, and I would have to flee for fear of Naraku or death. 

The feeling I had then, like something was clawing at me and grabbing my chest, ripping my heart from my body. Uncharacteristically, and despite myself, I reached for my chest to halt the imaginary pain. I felt him react, a subtle movement as he inclined his head slightly to the side. 

"You have returned." For some reason I could not find my voice. I looked up at him instead, hoping he could find my words for me. He always did. "You wish for this Sesshoumaru's help." 

That memory had not been an illusion. 

I nodded. 

He didn't respond, he merely indicated to me with his hand that I was to come with him, and walked away into the night, allowing me to follow. 

Kagura directed her massive feather over the treetops, recognizing the looming cliffs that penetrated the landscapes, bathed in waxing light. An orange glow surrounded the valley. Time seemed to pass slowly, and she was anxiously pressing her fingers against the soft ends of her feather, contemplating her past. 

_I stayed with him for years, putting up with his toad. I even went with him when he visited the grave of his long-dead ward. The girl, Rin, she had looked on me kindly once. I remember being touched the first time he allowed me to stand and watch him give silent eulogy to her memory. She had a simple shrine at the base of a mountain, surrounded by a field of flowers. I wondered how long she had lived, if she had laughed and smiled even until the end. _

I think her life and her death had changed him. I think that was why he allowed me to stay with him as he taught me. I think that was why some nights, he would turn to me for his release, and allow me to fall asleep against his hard body. 

Time passed quickly, but it wasn't long before I realized I no longer needed him. I wondered if I should tell him that it was time for me to go. 

But I didn't want to go. 

In the end, he turned me away. One morning, he simply nodded towards me, leaving for his greater, vast lands that I had never laid eyes upon. He disappeared into the morning fog, and I felt as if he had dropped off of the edge of the mountain and out of my life. 

I can't remember feeling sad. 

This is the same place where he once stood. Here, beneath that cliff, a tree grows there now. 

The winds began to die down and Kagura descended towards the rocky cliffs, guiding her feather with practiced expertise. 

_I wonder if he will be ready for what I have to tell him this time. I wonder what he will say when I tell him that I have returned because I had to see him, because I could not leave this part of my life unfinished...after everything he's taught me...I know that it would be wrong for me to leave peices of myself behind at the mercy of my memories, to eat away at me and ruin my future. If I didn't come back, I would always think of him and wonder what he would say, what he would think. I would wonder how would he look at me. _

Would his eyes be the same as they were then? 

Sesshoumaru. 

His figure appeared, like a long ghost among shadows. He was standing on the edge of the mountain, looking up at Kagura, and at the other she had brought with her. Kagura leapt off of my feather and caught it in her finger tips. Her heart was in my throat as she took him in. He was unchanged, it was almost as if he existed outside of time. Even his left arm, which she had helped him restore, was still in place. 

Kagura reflexively moved her toes against the cool grass, trying to find her footing and relax her mind. She never imagined that her memories and emotions would come back to her like this, just because she was seeing him again. 

_Isn't it strange? Standing here, like this, I notice how perfect he is in his silence. A pretty man, a warrior, a god. I came all this way simply to tell him that I have found my place, and that his teachings took me somewhere. I feel anxious, a knot in my stomach, frightened of how he will react. It wasn't long ago that I was eager to hear his response, and now here he is, and my tongue is heavy in my mouth. My throat won't come unstuck, my hands are shaking by my sides. But his presence, at my side, reassures me._

Kagura lifted her hand, allowing her fan to gently sweep out and present her companion. A characteristic smile lit her face as she leaned to the side, taking in the sight of the man who had been her stability for the greater portion of her life. Finding her courage, she spoke. 

"Sesshoumaru, I'm pleased that you could come. I wanted you to meet, my mate, Azumamaro." 


	2. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 2

Title: Illusions of My Memories  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world. 

Sesshoumaru's expression didn't change; he simply turned to Azumamaro and lifted an eyebrow. 

"This Sesshoumaru is familiar with you. You recently rose up against Daisetsu in the North." He looked back at Kagura, and for a second, she was almost afraid that he was going to ask her why she had made such a foolish choice for her mate. 

_Of course, I do not care at all how he feels about my choices; I am still myself after all._

"Sesshoumaru," she saw him flinch, "-sama." Azumamaro quickly added, he was a tall youkai who equaled the Western Lord in height and stature. 

His back was perfectly straight as he leaned against his weapon, a long fish-hooked spear that appeared to be finely crafted, with feathers on both ends. Long dark hair flowed down his back to the backs of his knees, framing his handsome features. Sesshoumaru silently took in his fine clothing and armor. He noted the way he confidently threw his weight around, even in the presence of a taiyoukai lord. 

Kagura noticed it too, and she couldn't help a slight chuckle at his superior stance. She wondered if he knew he was facing down his death. 

_Sesshoumaru, he doesn't seem impressed. Still, the way he is acting…_

"Kagura, we will return to my palace." He was simply ignoring Azumamaro, intentionally focusing his gaze entirely on the slight woman before him. Inwardly, Azumamaro scoffed, as if she had more value than he did. "Of course," Sesshoumaru said, and then, as if it were an afterthought, he added,"you are welcome to come as well." 

_Oh shit…_

Kagura's back tensed. If Sesshoumaru was familiar with Azumamaro, then certainly he was familiar with him as well. Despite Sesshoumaru's terrifying strength and imposing figure, Azumamaro was not one to back down. She watched out of the corner of her eye as he gripped his spear and lifted it from the ground. Her heart beat was throbbing inside of her chest, and her mind was running wild. 

_I can't let him…_

Reflexively, she reached out for Azumamaro's arm and wrapped him in her embrace. He stiffened and looked down at her. His wide, chocolate colored eyes took her in, and he smiled with familiar ease. 

"Missing me already, Kagura?" he asked, and he easily slipped an arm around her waist. She smirked back, lifting a suggestive eyebrow in his direction. She pulled on his arm and began to steer him after Sesshoumaru, trying to appear casual as she snapped her fan against her thigh to send a cool breeze across her face. Looking at Sesshoumaru's back, she could clearly see that this would be a difficult couple of days. ~ 

Kagura supposed that dinner was the usual affair at Sesshoumaru's court, having never actually been there before; she simply sat back and tried to appear aloof to everything around her. Azumamaro took it all in with ease. She watched him during dinner and was reminded of what had drawn her to him in the first place, he wasn't mysterious or awe-inspiring as Sesshoumaru had been. In contrast, he was affable, demanding, and relatively easy-going. He loved to fight and was ambitious, with grand ideas for the future that often dumped him in life or death situations. 

_That was how I first met him._

She gave him a lascivious smile as he nodded to her, lounging back on pillows with a few serving girls cooing around him. 

_I still remember the rain. Sesshoumaru had succeeded in teaching me many lessons, like how to survive, and how to read an opponent without giving oneself away. When we parted ways I went farther away than I had before because I felt that I was going somewhere this time. I wasn't aimless, I wanted to make a name for myself in the north, in the east, anywhere. _

It had been raining for weeks, and one day it poured down so badly that I couldn't ride on my feather. I took the loss in stride and walked, having heard rumors of a declining youkai lord who's lands were up for the taking. A rustle in the trees alerted me to another's presence, and I flicked out my fan, easily sending several wind blades in the direction of the noise to drive out the intruder. A tall figure leapt out, and I charged forward, producing a tornado from thin air that took up rain, loose earth, and rocks, and buffeted into him. I still remember Azumamaro's shock when I knocked him off of his feet. 

A haughty laugh and I was ready to attack him again, if only he hadn't pinned me down in the next second, one foot against my chest and the other holding his spear at an angle that could easily cut my throat. I balled my right hand up into a fist and was shocked to find that I had been separated from my fan. I looked to the side and saw it caught in the bushes…Some how, I still don't know how, he had managed to get it out of my grasp. 

The easiest thing to remember about him is his face. I looked up at him, and he smiled at me as if it were the most natural thing in the world. 

To tell you the truth, I was annoyed as hell. 

"Get the fuck off of me you bastard!" 

He merely laughed and dug his foot a bit deeper into my chest before stepping off of me to offer me his hand. I smacked him away and quickly retrieved my fan, throwing it open to create another volley of wind blades to cut off his head. He stared at me, open-mouthed and completely confident as he side-stepped my attacks, bringing his spear up in a wide swing. I nearly had the air knocked out of me as it pulsed with blue energy, sending me backwards and into the skyline. 

I recovered easily, landing some yards back. Even from that distance I could see him smirking. I smirked back. The look on his face was priceless, as I spread out my fan again and used it to rip the surrounding trees from their roots, burying him in a hurricane of trunks and branches… 

"Kagura." She looked away from her mate with a slight start. Sesshoumaru was standing next to her, completely ignoring the others around him, vying for his attention. 

Kagura noticed the respectful distance they kept, even in their eagerness. He walked away; simply saying her name was indication enough for her to follow. She didn't bother to look at Azumamaro to see if he was sober enough to restrain from picking a fight, it didn't matter at this point, from the sounds of the serving girls, he was well occupied. 

She followed him out of the crowded dining hall and into the more secluded hallways that ran around the chambers of the palace. She was shocked by the silence of the place, usually there were so many youkai present, crowding her way. They walked some ways in silence until they reached a deck that looked out on the side of the mountain, giving a substantial view of Sesshoumaru's grand residence. 

The palace appeared to be carved into the mountain itself, created from stone and ancient magic; it loomed over the surrounding valleys and lesser domains in plain sight of all. Kagura had never imagined that Sesshoumaru had such a place to live, in all the time she'd known him, he had been a wandering lord, she had never asked why, she had simply assumed he was surveying his lands. Now, she wondered if there were some other reason for his absence from his stronghold. 

_--Or could it be that he finally had a reason to return?_

"This." He said, finally looking at her as he stood, imperialistic in all his glory, bathed in the moonlight. Kagura's breath nearly caught in her throat. She'd forgotten how handsome he was…"is idiotic." 

Her temper caught up with her heart. 

"What the hell did you just say?" she spat. 

He looked at her, glaring slightly. 

"You sent some lesser youkai to this Sesshoumaru to relay a message that you were returning to the Western Lands," he seemed to grow taller as he berated her. "And you have returned here, with a youkai that is wanted dead by every other Lord in the region." 

".." 

He went on. 

"You would never have sent a message before. It was foolish of you to announce your presence, traveling with one such as he, and it is foolish of you to stand here now, in this Sesshoumaru's presence, mated to a youkai that offends him." 

Kagura shook her head angrily. 

"What the hell are you talking about? You let him come here!" She waved her arm out to indicate the palace. Sesshoumaru didn't respond. "If you're so touchy about it, when I announced that I was mated to him, then you should have killed him then!" 

His eyes narrowed. 

"This Sesshoumaru is already aware of such a thing." He appeared to speak to her dismissively, but before Kagura could raise her voice and yell at him again, he casually continued, "It would have been a waste to kill you simply because of your mate's indiscretion." 

Her heart caught in her throat. 

_Sesshoumaru, did you think that's what I meant? Did it cross your mind to—_

He seemed to relax, lifting his gaze from her to stare out at the sky. 

"If I had killed your mate, you would have wanted vengeance. I would have killed you as well as a result." 

_I'm shaking._

Kagura wrapped her arms around her body to still the involuntary uneasiness that filled her. 

"I would not fight you." She said, he turned to her and lifted an eyebrow in interest. She smirked. "I have no desire to be known as the one who finally killed the Lord of the Western Lands." 

Sesshoumaru growled. She delighted in it. Then she paused—_Is he looking over my head?_ Turning, she saw Azumamaro standing at the doorway, casually taking them in. 

A familiar feeling of foreboding filled her. He smiled at her, and she almost shook her head at him. Why was it that he always surprised her? 

"I have a feeling it is time to retire to bed," he said, and then off of Sesshoumaru's look, added, "if Sesshoumaru-sama pleases." 

Sesshoumaru stiffened. 

"Do not speak to this Sesshoumaru in such a manner," he bit out. 

_Oh, Kami, please…don't…_

Kagura had a horrifying image of him reaching for Toukijin and ripping Azumamaro to shreds. She felt her heart beating wildly in her chest again, until Azumamaro did something surprising. Looking at Kagura, he smiled again, and then bowed, humbling himself on his knees. If she didn't have so much self control, she would have gasped. 

Sesshoumaru, she noticed, didn't say anything; he simply turned back around and pretended that Azumamaro didn't exist. 

"You may go, Kagura." He said. 

She felt her temper flare up. 

_As if I needed his damned permission…_

Azumamaro's hand slipped into her own, and he pulled her obscenely close considering they were in public. Kagura noticed that the hall had filled with other youkai, pouring out of the banquet. She liked the feel of him against her body, and let him hold her there as they walked through the cavernous residence, towards their bed chambers for the night. 

Sesshoumaru didn't move. 

"Sesshoumaru-sama?" Jaken's familiar voice broke the silence and Sesshoumaru turned around, not bothering to look down at the toad as he entered the grand hall, heading towards his own room for the night. 

~ 

Kagura stretched her hands towards the ceiling as she entered her guest chambers. Azumamaro was walking ahead of her, complete with his superior air. She couldn't help but shake her head at him. 

"I've never seen you lower yourself before anyone," she said, lightly tugging at her sash to undo her robes. 

Azumamaro was pulling off his dark armor and throwing it onto the floor as if it were nothing. He was always wearing black and gray, the only sign of color was a red sash he wore across his chest that held a small pouch where he carried his papers. Kagura slipped a thin robe on meant for the evening and sat down on a cushion across from a small table. She was leaning forward on her elbows, waiting for him to sit down across from her as he always did and set down his rice paper and ink to begin writing another battle plan he'd thought up while drinking too much sake. Instead, he stood over the two futons on the floor, frowning. 

"Asshole." He muttered. 

Kagura couldn't help but smile. 

"Oh?" 

"Look at this," he said, gesturing as if she hadn't noticed. She clearly had. 

_I knew he would overreact…_

"Why did we come here again?" he said, as if he were speaking to no one in particular. Kagura didn't answer him. 

She leaned back and pretended not to hear. 

"I'm sorry," she said, "Did you say something?" 

He looked at her and she flinched when he didn't smile. His eyes narrowed. 

"We came here to see Sesshoumaru. Why?" He prodded. 

Kagura rolled her eyes at him and casually raised one hand to untie her hair. 

"I told you, I have unfinished business." 

He glared. Kagura stopped. She had never really seen him angry before. 

"That is not why we are here." 

Her temper quickly rose and she shot to her feet, balling her fists up at her side. 

"You'd better think hard about what you are accusing me of you son of a bitch—" 

"A bitch?" He smirked and gave her a scoffing laugh. "Is that what you were to him?" 

He smiled. 

"I thought about it during dinner, I figured the damn thing out." He walked from one end of the room to the other, turning on his heel to give her a wicked grin when he reached the window. "You were his whore!" 

He laughed, and Kagura actually felt her cheeks coloring and her heart race increase. 

"That's why he's such an asshole." 

Despite her embarrassment and rising anger, Kagura smirked at that. 

"He's that way to everyone." She dryly intoned. 

"Except you," Azumamaro leaned against the wall, folding his arms against his chest. "Now, what am I going to do about that?" 

----- 

I'd hate to take up room in the story to respond to reviews, but I had to thank everyone who responded, and say a little something back. 

BattleJoyW- Your review took me off guard, because I absolutely love your Searching story, and I am a fan of your work. You are an amazing writer, so your review was high praise indeed. Thank you for your suggestions on grammar and getting a beta reader. That is a good idea, because despite re-reading the chapters several times, I find that there are still errors left behind that I need to fix. 

Seaouryou-I've seen you around, fellow Kagura/Sesshoumaru lover, heh?:) 

PuppnReckie&A-Stray-Fayth- Thank you very much for the compliments. 

Ok, that's it, and I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I had more difficulty writing this one, but I think it came out decently. 


	3. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 3

Title: Illusions of My Memories  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world. 

Kagura had nightmares. Memories that she thought she'd forgotten, that had allowed her to look upon the taiyoukai lord fondly, forgetting everything he had taken from her. He had given her many things, that was true, he taught her to be stronger, allowed her to see inside of others in ways she could not before, and in doing so, he had taken her body and used it for his own means. 

_No, that isn't true._

Kagura squeezed her eyes shut, trying to sort out her thoughts. 

_I enjoyed it, the way his skin touched my own, even when he was commanding and hovered over me—unbearably close, I never felt that I'd lost control. It was…pleasant. I've never felt anything like it in my life._

It was not rape, but something else. There was something that wasn't right about it, and it threw her off, because most nights when she thought of her past with Sesshoumaru, her thoughts did not wander there. She thought fondly back on everything, from their arguments to his indifference to her cantankerous moods, but she never thought of the way he touched her where no one else ever had or, put lips places that she didn't know could be kissed. 

_I waited eagerly for him, hoping that in the dark he might decide that he wanted me. He would show me what no one else ever had before…_

Kagura let a small smile creep across her face. Even in her confusion over how she felt about back the, she could not forget how her body felt.

_How his body felt…_

She stretched out on her futon, or rather, both her and Azumamaro's futons, as he had insisted on laying them close together for the night. Kagura had done so willingly, quickly delighting in his body heat and his soft lips against her skin. Whether he knew it or not, and whether she was willing to admit it, he was a comfort to her. Their relationship was more than a convenience. 

_I did not simply allow myself to become involved with a mindless, violent youkai, as Sesshoumaru insists on believing._

She felt her stomach twist at the memories of his heavy body moving slowly over hers in the dark. Their associations had never been frequent, but they happened often enough. Oddly, they weren't what Kagura found herself looking fondly back on when she thought of their association. Azumamaro had called her Sesshoumaru's "bitch"—Kagura knew that wasn't accurate. Not for him, no dog would treat his bitch the way she was treated.

_We never came together with the intention of conceiving a child, as any male and his "bitch" would have done. So I suppose in calling me a whore, Azumamaro was correct, and it would be wrong of me to become angry over such a statement…after all, I always enjoyed it. It was only that underneath I couldn't help feeling—used. Whenever we were together, I felt as if he was looking for something._

Kagura rolled over so that her back was to her mate, and she felt his well developed chest press against her. 

_Perhaps he really had changed after Rin's death—was there something there that he lost? Was he trying to find it in me?_

She smirked at that. Rin was nothing like her, if he thought that he could find any semblance of the human child in her, he was gravely mistaken. 

_Yes, whore would be the more accurate term for what I was to him, during the day and our travels; I was a fellow youkai, never an equal, because to Sesshoumaru, there is no equal, but he respected me. Those nights however, I felt that his respect was gone, I felt that I became less of a youkai and…_

She furrowed her brow, reflexively wrapping one around her stomach. Azumamaro's steady breathing continued against her neck.

_I became a woman._

The realization struck her, and her breath caught for a second as she let it sink in. 

_He looked at me differently, perhaps as a tool to be used at his own discretion…to exercise his own will upon._

The thought angered her, and she clenched the hand against her stomach into a fist. If she weren't so frightened of the realization herself, she would have thrown Azumamaro off of her body and stormed into Sesshoumaru's chamber, demanding that he explain himself. 

_A foolish idea, of course--he would not. It is within his rights not to do so. Just as it was within his right to treat me as a woman is treated…_

It disgusted her. She tried to close her eyes and dismiss it, but the dreams beckoned again at the corner of her mind, enticing her, pulling her body into a familiar pattern of behavior that she had once longed for and misunderstood. 

_Even now, I see his face, blurry at the edge of my mind. These thoughts come easily to me in the dark, with nothing around to distract me, to make me think of the days when we walked calmly side by side, when his words were something that I could take into myself…and build something out of…_

An involuntary moan and Kagura shifted her position again, so that her head rested just beneath Azumamaro's, pinning her body against his.

_I had been sleeping, saving my strength for the next day because we would journey down the mountain pass so that he could see Rin's grave. Sesshoumaru had startled me, he never said a word, he simply placed his hand against the small of my back, and I jerked up to find myself crushed in his arms. His body was against mine, and he rolled me over. I'll never forget how quickly my heart was beating. I felt his lips against my neck, and realized that we were both suddenly very naked…_

Kagura's eyes flashed open, and she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. 

_Why am I thinking of this now?_

~ 

Sesshoumaru could see her in the faded moonlight. Her alabaster back lay below him, tense as she struggled to comprehend what was going on around her. One hand brushed over her side and pulled her to her knees. He dimly remembered telling her to be silent. 

_I never forced her. Such a thing is beneath this Sesshoumaru._

He sat on the floor in the dim light, unable to sleep as his thoughts came back to him. He had taken her as one should take a woman, it was a simple act that he repeated with her many times, and had she shown any evidence of pain or disagreement with the situation, he could not recall it. 

He dimly recalled the euphoric feeling as her scent had filled his senses that night, and he came to know every inch of her body by touch and taste. It was not an unpleasant sensation, and one that he enjoyed many times after that. 

He never thought of it often after she left. 

_Why do these thoughts dwell on me now?_

He stood to go to his window, and with every bit of regality he possessed, he placed his two palms against the base and leaned out, examining the valley and the land beyond. His eyes met a spot where the mountainside dipped in a sudden "v", creating a channel like structure in the skyline. 

_Rin's grave._

He had not visited her in nearly ten years. 

_Ten years, it is nothing to a youkai._

They were everything to a human. 

_In ten years, Rin was a woman, almost ready to die. I protected Rin for many years. I watched Rin grow old and marry. I saw Rin cry when she realized that she was barren and would not conceive children with the whelp of a man she had chosen to join with._

Unconsciously, his fingers dug into the sill, tearing at the stone. His gaze hardened. 

_Rin. _

There was something about Rin that I never understood. Even with Tenseiga at my side I was never able to understand. Why did she live? Why did Rin go on with no purpose, with no place in life but to die? Despite this she continued to exist. 

I allowed her to exist. 

This Sesshoumaru continued to protect her, even seeing that she had nothing to offer, not to her own kind or to me. She could not bare children, and I had no use for her because she was human, and yet… 

He leaned back, removing his hands from the sill and turning away from the sight that marked Rin's grave. 

Something was amiss. He keened his youkai senses and immediately discerned the offending noise that pulled at him. 

_Kagura and that underling…_

The sounds of their mating were clear. Lowering his brow, he adjusted his senses and shut them out, easily setting them apart from his mind.

He noted, however, with increasing irritation, that the memory of Kagura's scent would not leave him. 

~ 

Kagura lay contently against Azumamaro's bare chest as he held her against him, gently weaving his fingers through her hair. 

"That idiot Daisetsu will likely call on Sesshoumaru for some type of justice," She didn't have to see his face to know he was smirking. "He'll want me dead as soon as he finds out I'm here." 

He squeezed her arm, expecting a response. 

"I'm tired," Kagura barked, trying to hide her distraction in irritation. She rolled over and faced away from him. Azumamaro ignored her, sitting up to rest his hands on his knees. 

"Really?" He tilted his head to the side. "You didn't seem tired a few minutes ago." 

_Ass hole._

"Shut the hell up." Kagura grumbled. 

She felt him rise from his place next to her and walk across the room to sit at the little writing desk, intent on finishing the task he'd been too angry to complete earlier in the night.

Kagura sighed, closing her eyes tightly and hoping her extended contact with Azumamaro would ward off anymore thoughts of Sesshoumaru. She tried to ignore the fact that she'd been thinking of the taiyoukai lord when Azumamaro had climbed on top of her a few minutes ago. 

She tried to ignore the fact that other thoughts were coming back to her, at an increasing pace, and she seemed almost powerless to stop them. 

_Every time I close my eyes I see his damned face!_

Frustrated, and unable to bear Azumamaro voicing his thoughts on his next war campaign out loud, she the blankets off of her body and reached for her robe to conceal her nakedness. For some reason she found herself feeling extremely shy about her nudity. 

She looked over at him, handsome and regal, even as he sat hunched over his writing, staining his hands in ink. 

"Going somewhere?" he asked. 

"For a walk," Kagura dryly answered, fixing her kimono and ducking out the doorway. Azumamaro didn't respond, he simply turned back to his work. 

Upon entering the hall, Kagura realized just how empty Sesshoumaru's private wing of the palace was. The grand hallways seemed to stretch on for years on end, and the ceilings were so high that she couldn't see where they ended. 

_Who the hell took the time to build this place?_

She walked further down the hall, hearing only her own footsteps until she reached a series of windows that looked out on the surrounding valleys. The soft fall of rain and familiar scent of spring filled the air, and she walked quietly over to look out at the view. 

_Rain--it reminds me of my fight with Azumamaro, everything was so sudden… _

When he propelled me away from him, I hit him with one of my greatest attacks, absorbing him in a whirlwind of trees and rain, I was so happy, I was so sure that he would be killed as soon as those hard trunks and rocks buffeted him. Then he surprised me, he tore through my winds with his spear, and charged straight towards me. The look on his face, all that time he was still smiling, even when I'd fought him to a stand-still, soaking wet. 

When we had both worn out of breath, the first thing he said when he looked at me was: 

"Nice body." 

The rain had soaked me so thoroughly that my kimono clung to my skin. I was startled; I didn't even have the nerve to be angry at him and all the time he was still smiling. I admit that I was intrigued. That is why I traveled with him. 

We had nothing to offer each other besides our mutual fascination with the other. 

I went with him on his second war campaign against Lord Daisetsu's underling Mourakame. He was so impressed with me that he gave me a new kimono for my efforts and a fan, he even took it upon himself to "bequeath" to me some of Mourakame's lands. I wasn't impressed with any of that, I was confident—and still am—that I could have taken the lands myself. That didn't matter to me though, what mattered was his attitude towards me. He had a casual acceptance of everything around him, it was almost as if the world could pass him by and he would be content watching it, but he believed it was his duty not to watch. He wanted to engage in the world in the most extreme way possible, and the best way he knew how was to rip it apart from the inside. 

What would Sesshoumaru say, if he knew that this was the man that I had mated myself to? He had me by his side in every war since then, and I became someone that his men respected and feared. I was a youkai with standing among others, my name was known in the north and I was feared by others. Lord Daisetsu likely knows of my association with Azumamaro, of the role I played in his campaigns… 

"Kagura." She tried to turn around casually at the sound of her name. 

Sesshoumaru was walking towards her, and calmly stopped a few feet from her so that he was standing against the wall to her right. His hands were tucked into his sleeves. Kagura noticed his two swords were not at his side, and that his armor was gone. 

_Perhaps he had trouble sleeping as well?_

"This Sesshoumaru was never told why you came back."

Kagura was taken aback, his words seemed cold considering their earlier exchange. She thought that he had been happy to see her…

_This is Sesshoumaru--_

She gave him a sly smile as she reminded herself that he was never one to take things for face value, and understood that a youkai such as herself would have a reason for doing something so major as to return to her former mentor. 

"I wasn't aware I needed a reason," Kagura tried to appear casual as she looked into his eyes, and was startled when Sesshoumaru stepped forward, closing the distance between them so that he was breaths away from her face. She didn't flinch. 

"Do not test my patience."

Kagura made to move back, and was startled when he reached up and grabbed her arm. He pulled her towards him and glared into her eyes. 

"You will not walk away from me, Kagura. Why have you returned to the Western Lands?" 

Kagura was too smart to try to physically abstract herself from him, and forced herself to relax. 

"I have unfinished business here," her voice came out lower than she expected it to, and she breathed in deeply to gain some force behind her words. "I convinced Azumamaro to come with me so that you could meet him…I thought it would only be appropriate…" 

Sesshoumaru released her and took on an expression of bland disinterest. 

_Why would I be interested in meeting him?_

"He is an idiot and an ambitious fool." He turned away from her to look outside, glaring at the rain. "You were a fool to take him as a mate." 

Kagura bit her lip. 

"I never asked for your fucking approval, and I have no intentions to do so. It is my life, or have you conveniently forgotten?" 

"I have no interest in your life, Kagura. You were mistaken to return here if that is the only reason why." 

Kagura slammed her fist into the wall and watched the blood run over her fist. She looked back at Sesshoumaru and found him staring at her, again with his arms tucked into his sleeves. 

"Don't lie to me you piece of shit, If you had no interest in my damned life, then you would never have helped me back then!" her voice was shaking, and she could feel the blood rushing to her face. 

Sesshoumaru made a sound of disgust. 

"You have not changed. You are the same as the day as when I first met you, willful and unthinking." His voice held a tone of vicious anger, and Kagura thought for a second that he would reach out and rip out her throat. "You are still a child." 

Kagura lowered her hand from the wall to examine it, the wounds she'd made were already healing. 

_A child, Sesshoumaru? How often have you called me that in our association?_

She looked up at him and saw the anger in his eyes. Her insult had not gone unnoticed.

"Bastard, I am much more than a child," she tried to appear confident as she glared back at him, "it has been ten years since I saw you last, and sixty years since Naraku's death! I am not as I once was—" 

Then Sesshoumaru did something surprising, he smiled. It wasn't Azumamaro's clean, easy-going gesture of openness. Instead, it was an evil and vindictive response to her frustration.

"You are the same. You have not changed since the day we met." 

Kagura reached to her side, reflexively going for her fan and caught air. She balled her fist together and hissed. Sesshoumaru reached out again, this time with both arms and took her by the forearms. She was too angry to think rationally and fought against him, only to be crushed against his body. She gasped. 

_What the hell is he doing? Is he hugging me? Fuck, why am I…_

Horrified, Kagura began to blush, only to be caught off guard as Sesshoumaru began to speak. 

"This is my strength Kagura." He growled out, and she realized that he was testing her, inviting her to move against him. Obviously she could not; he was a centuries old taiyoukai… 

_While I am merely the product of an inferior hanyou, and barely one-hundred years old! How dare he throw my lineage back into my face!_

"Let go of me you bastard!"

"This Sesshoumaru does not have to do as you wish." He tightened his grip on her arms, and Kagura couldn't help but feel his muscles bulge beneath his thin robe as he held her against him. 

She tried to pull her arms away again determined to better him, but Sesshoumaru casually threw her against the wall. Kagura gasped in surprise, he had never been so physical with her before, not like this... 

"Daisetsu is likely aware of your collaboration with Azumamaro." He said. 

Kagura ground her teeth together, trying to shake off the sensation of being near to him. Sesshoumaru was looking at her with the same hard gaze as usual. He had taken the time to tuck his arms back into his sleeves, which gave him a look of indifference. 

_But you are angry with me…_

"He has already gathered his forces at the edge of the Great Valley, moving along neutral territory, cutting through Azumamaro's recently claimed lands. He is stalled at the river where your mate's strongest forces are camped. He has suffered heavy losses against his warriors, but he will recover."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Kagura found herself jerking backwards as he moved forward again, reminding her of his dominance.

"Daisetsu will kill your mate, and he will kill you." Sesshoumaru let her take that in, and saw the sadness that was suddenly apparent in her eyes. 

Kagura folded her arms around herself and leaned back against the wall, breathing deeply. 

"Are you telling me to leave?" Sesshoumaru looked at her, even with his youkai senses; in the darkness he could not see her face. 

He wasn't sure that he wanted to.

_Why did she return here? To show him to me? This Sesshoumaru has no interest in her mate, I am not impressed with mongrels who spend their time creating havoc in a world of order. I can see the danger in what he has done, he has thrown away the old ones and will soon come to usurp me._

His brow lowered in anger.

_She believes that she came here of her own free will. He has maneuvered her into bringing him here, so that he can provoke a fight with Daisetsu, who is foolish enough to fall for it. Diasetsu is a youkai who does not have the knowledge to examine the finer doings of the world, he believes that he can simply rid himself of a pest by ripping him out through force. He does not have the knowledge to see now that things have changed. Lower youkai have risen from the depths._

He could feel Kagura's distress, it permeated the air. 

_As evidenced in you, wind user. _

When you came to me, you were finally free of Naraku, with no purpose in this world but to wander aimlessly until your death. I thought that your time with me had ended your futility. I thought it was possible for you to become something more than another youkai, vying for power in the wilderness. Kagura, do you not see that there is no order in what you are doing? Do you see the path this fool is taking you on? 

He suppressed a frown as he stood across from her in the darkness, listening to the purr of the rain.

_I will not fight your battles for you. I will not save you from yourself._

"Yes."

Kagura squeezed her eyes shut. 

_Bastard…can't you even look at me with a kind face?_

"I don't know why I thought I needed to see you again," Kagura's voice was emotionless, her anger was gone and she simply stared down at her feet, feeling like Sesshoumaru was looking straight through her, right into her bones. 

_What does she mean?_

Kagura flicked her gaze to him, suddenly stepping out of the darkness with wild eyes and an angry expression. 

"You haven't told me anything valuable--and Azumamaro and I will gladly leave here!" she leaned back, smiling bitterly at him. Sesshoumaru knew that if she had her fan, she would have used it to hide half of her face. "That idiot Daisetsu is welcome to come after us with as many armies as he likes, and Azumamaro will kill him, like he has killed all of the others!" 

Sesshoumaru looked unimpressed.

"Then what will you do, Kagura?" 

Kagura looked up at him and noticed with a distinct sense of discomfort that they were standing close together again, with his body barely a breath away from hers. She felt like she wanted to reach out and touch him, and suddenly return to the relationship of their past, when he had allowed her to be near him without airs and questions, and she could allow him to take what he needed from her, without asking too much. 

_It used to be so much simpler…_

"What do you mean what will I do?" Kagura could feel the heat rush to her cheeks again, and cursed herself for blushing in front of the taiyoukai lord. She stepped away from him to create some distance and hide her face. "I will do as I please, as I always have." 

Narrowing her eyes and finding her confidence, she strode past him to head back to her room. 

"After all," she bit out, "you told me that you have no interest in my life!" 

Sesshoumaru didn't respond to her, he simply turned his back and looked out at the rain, focusing his eyes again on the distant edge of the valley, where the mountains plunged down to form the point where he thought he had buried the last piece of his past. 


	4. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 4

Title: Illusions of My Memories  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world. 

**Note:** "------" denotes a scene change 

Sesshoumaru was already seeing to his political affairs when the sun broke over the mountains. Kagura had left at first light, apparently having an easy time of convincing Azumamaro to come with her.

He narrowed his eyes at the thought. 

_It is more likely that he allowed her to believe that she was convincing him. Kagura, I had no idea that you could be so foolish…_

The taiyoukai lord looked down at the scrolls on his desk and the fine writing of the documents, clearly spelling out Daisetsu's recent movement through the mountains. The number of youkai amassing to swell his ranks would be too much for Azumamaro, the fool would no doubt fail. 

------------------------------------------- 

"Here they come!"

Kagura heard the proud shout of her mate as he charged over the rise below her, dropping nimbly through the treetops to meet his soldiers in the clear valley below.

She watched him from her feather, with her back tensed and shoulders raised, pressing her trusted fan firmly against the palm of her hand.

_Heh, he's confident as usual._

A smirk graced her features, and she flexed her wrist, spreading her fan out and lifting her hand up high. Daisetsu's warriors were clamoring over the other side of the cliffs, funneling into the valley in a mass of violence and blood. Azumamaro was cutting through them with ease, creating a channel to Daisetsu, the massive taiyoukai that awaited him on the other end.

Kagura snorted as she brought her fan down, sending scores of pounding winds into the enemy's ranks. She watched with glee as the blades of Fujin No Mai ripped limbs off of bodies and created chaos and fear among Daisetsu's men. Several looked to the sky and spotted her feather, floating ominously in the air. As she suspected, they charged towards her, and she casually lifted her fan again, creating tornadoes that drove through their bodies and sent them flying backwards into the earth.

"Hmph, fools." She leaned forward and urged her vessel onward, shadowing Azumamaro's movement as he neared Daisetsu.

She lowered herself slightly to the ground, catching the scent of blood that flowed up from scores of bodies, and one that held a distinction among the rest. 

_He's injured!_

Kagura felt unwanted fear rising in her chest. Azumamaro's armor had been cut through and blood poured down his side. Kagura watched as he brought his spear down, slamming it against Daisetsu's shoulders, barely managing to crack his armor. She rose her fan again, ready to interfere and save her lover's life if need be. His cries reached her ears as the enemy drove a blade through his side, tearing through flesh like silk.

_No--_

Kagura could see it. Everything that she had fought for and hoped to achieve was being washing away in a matter of seconds. The man that she had joined her life to was below her, possibly dying, and his men were scattered. She looked around frantically and noticed that despite his strategic planning, his army was being decimated by Daisetsu's accumulating troops. 

_I won't lose this, Azumamaro, we will not die here!_

With a stern sense of resolve, she prepared to send a massive tornado down to tear Daisetsu away from Azumamaro, rendering the other youkai vulnerable to attack. She gasped as her spiral of wind was flung to the side, and went too far to the right, ripping into the ground and dissipating as if it had no force behind it all. Then she fell forward, suddenly aware of the weightlessness of her body, the loss of her feather, and the growing wetness in her shoulder. Horrified, Kagura tried to come to her senses as more pain hit her.

_Arrows?_

She couldn't be sure, but thought she heard herself cry out as a weight collided with her gut, making her body go entirely numb as she plummeted towards the earth. 

_How? It isn't possible!_

Kagura formed her right hand into a fist, clawing for her fan, and found it gone. She turned her head to the side and saw the object that had once held so much power fluttering away in the wind like a piece of trash. Her thoughts were quickly running together, and her body felt beyond her capacity to control. Her strength and control gone, Kagura felt waves of pain wash through her as she spiraled towards the earth. 

_Damn you…_

Her heart was pounding in her chest. 

_Damn you Azumamaro…_

_I cannot die like this…_

------------------------------------------- 

Sesshoumaru made a mental note not to travel through the battle field when he set out to visit Rin's shrine. He could vaguely hear Jaken speaking and leant his ear to him, catching the end of his long-winded exclamations.

"…torn apart by Azumamaro as he entered the lower valley!"

"Torn apart?" Sesshoumaru turned to regard the toad youkai, who bowed reverently, having finally been acknowledged. 

"Hai, Sesshoumaru-sama, news came from a scout on the edge of your territory. Azumamaro has succeeded in routing a great mass of Daisetsu's forces in the northern lands. He is even now pressing towards Daisetsu himself, intent on meeting him in battle!" 

Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes at Jaken's excited voice, but chose to focus instead on the more pressing concern of Azumamaro's victory.

_It has barely been a day, and already he is making Daisetsu run…so, Kagura has taken up with more than just a land-hungry warlord._

He glanced to the papers laid out in front of him, running his eyes over sketches that showed the borders of his territory.

_If this continues, the future is certain. I will meet him in battle and crush him._

Sesshoumaru reflexively tensed his muscles, aware of the new energy that seemed to be flowing through his body. 

_The image of Azumamaro's death is not an unpleasant one._

"Jaken," the lesser youkai looked up at his master, his eyes wide with expectation. 

"You will prepare to leave. We are going as soon as possible." 

"Hai—may I ask where to, Sesshoumaru-sama?"

Sesshoumaru frowned. He raised an eyebrow in the smaller lesser youkai's direction, obviously displeased with his servant's question. Jaken bowed and apologized, backing out of the room. Then he was alone, left with his silence. 

This was the life he had become accustomed to, and now Sesshoumaru was coming to terms with his recent decision to leave it. He would return to his lands and see Rin's grave, and then he would investigate the new enemy that loomed at Kagura's side. His mind would not let him rest until this chapter in his life was settled. 

_There is too much left unfinished._

He furrowed his brow in contemplation. 

_I showed you the truth behind Azumamaro. He is reckless and a fool; you will follow him to your death. _

I thought that you were done following useless men around. 

Irritation swept through him, and he felt a growl rising in his chest. 

_Did I not show you what it means to be strong? Did I not teach you what it meant to have a purpose, a true purpose?_

He moved to the window and looked out at the world, wasting away in petty wars and foolish desires. 

_How wasteful are emotions, binding in their rampant destruction, overtaking even the strongest of wills. I will never know what became of Inuyasha, save that he spent the rest of his life coveting my father's sword as his only strength. He likely died in the same bed as that woman he spent his life fighting for. He wasted our father's legacy to bring weaker, pitiful children into the world with the guardian of the Shikon no Tama. _

Inuyasha threw away his strength for something so petty.

Kagura, do you not see that you are doing the same thing now? Has your love for this…Azumamaro…caused you to throw aside all sense and reason?

If that is the case, then you are already dead. You are the willful woman that I first met, fading away into another man, destined to die for the cause of another's glory.

A growl rose in his throat again, and he reached for his armor to impatiently tie it on. 

_Kagura. Was this Sesshoumaru wrong to see something in you when you came to me that night?_

------------------------------------------- 

Kagura wasn't sure how much time passed when she finally opened her eyes. She could vaguely hear the calls of carrion birds as they soared through the sky and descended to feed on the flesh of the dead.

_I am still alive…_

She tried sit up and found her strength lacking. The pain was excruciating. A groan escaped her lips as she fell backwards; suddenly aware of the acrid scent of blood that she was sure covered her entire body. There was no movement directly around her, only dead bodies.

_Did Azumamaro's men retreat when he died?_

With a great deal of effort, Kagura pushed herself forward so that she slumped over her knees. Dimly, in the back of her mind, she was happy to find her legs still working, and eventually was able to come to her feet, but not before a thick stream of blood made its way up her throat and over her chin. She stumbled, disturbed by the rising bile and the pain in her chest. Her vision was blurry. She tried to raise one arm, and when she realized that it was too damaged to go higher than her waist, she raised the other one instead to wipe the blood from her eyes. Relief washed over her as her sight cleared. Kagura squinted against the murk of the battlefield. It was late day and the sun was setting in the sky. She craned her neck to take in a view of the area.

_These are Daisetsu's men._

Her eyes widened as a sense of elation filled her. 

_Is it possible that we won?_

She looked around her, stumbling forward, but there was no movement in the shadows. The area was devoid of movement except for the occasional twitching of the dead.

_Azumamaro…_

Kagura could feel her strength leaving her, even as she pressed forward, driven by her need to survive, by her need to know…

"Bastard!" she cursed, pausing momentarily to clear her mind. "I know you are alive…Azumamaro, answer me!" 

Her voice was shaking, her resolve all but lost.

_This is insane, chasing after the dead…he means nothing to me…_

Her legs wobbled and she forced herself to stand.

_You are dead, aren't you?_

A wry smile crossed her lips. 

_And I am dead along with you…Naraku, is this what you intended, when you made me too headstrong for my own good?_

She took another step forward, bracing herself by wrapping one arm around her waist. 

_No, you did not make me this way, this is what I became. I was empowered by my own strength and my own will. My desire led me down this path. I never wanted to be controlled again and yet…_

Kagura furrowed her brow in anger and pressed onward, randomly kicking aside the bodies of the dead, searching for her mate's familiar face. 

_Azumamaro!_

"Azumamaro! Damn you!" She reached down to throw one over, hoping it was the lover who had left her behind to die alone in the field. 

"Kagura," some how the weak reply found her ears. 

She paused, unsure of the feelings suddenly welling up in her. Anger, betrayal?

The wind-user turned towards the voice, and surprised herself when an impassive glare fell over the once marvelous man that lay before her. 

"You're dying." She told him. Words flowed out; she had no time for pretense, no time to think, and walked stiffly towards him, suddenly finding the strength that she needed to go on. 

Azumamaro's empty eyes looked up at hers and he sighed, one hand lounging over his waist and touching the edge of a broken blade, wedged into his side. His other arm was gone, and she could see it lying beyond him, still clutching the spear that he had wielded so mightily before. 

Daisetsu's blood was on the covered the head.

"He died first," somehow, deep inside of him, he found the strength to nod towards the body of the fallen lord, sliced in half and covered in his own blood. He gave her a bitter smile. "It doesn't seem fair, that one of his soldiers should be the one to kill me." 

Kagura's eyes burned, and she felt anger rising in her. 

"…Don't tell me that's how you died!" She was surprised that she was shouting, doubled over in her own pain. 

Azumamaro lifted the seemingly lifeless hand that he still possessed and placed it on one of hers, clutching it with amazing strength.

"It isn't fair, is it?" he echoed, and Kagura looked into his eyes, feeling neither sadness nor empathy. 

_We chose this way together…_

"I never thought you would die," she whispered, surprised at her own foolishness. 

_Sesshoumaru…_

"He…was right," Azumamaro's grip tightened, and Kagura saw a wildness in his eyes, much like the look he had before he'd gone into battle, certain of his victory. "That asshole," he managed. Then laughed—impossibly loud—sighing as he coughed up another layer of blood. 

"Sesshoumaru," Kagura's face was plain, as much as she wanted to, she couldn't smile at the broken man at her feet. 

"Kagura," Azumamaro coughed again, and she looked at him, watching as an easy smile swept across his face. Kagura regarded him with a miserable sigh, leaning forward to look into his handsome face. 

_Where is my happiness now? It wasn't too long ago that you could lend yourself to me…now I feel nothing._

"Kagura," he repeated, and she saw his eyes begin to dim as his life was choked out. "What…will you do…now?" 

Her back stiffened, aware of the blood that was slicked over her hands as she placed one hand over his still-armored chest, bracing herself above him. His heart wasn't beating. 

_He's dead…_

Kagura bowed her head slightly, assessing the change in her life and the loss of her mate's. He was gone, everything he fought for, everything that he…

Snorting, she pushed herself to her feet, stumbling only when she felt Azumamaro's iron grip still on her hand. Kagura gasped, startled out of her resolve by the reality of his death. Tears to threatened pour down her face, but she fought them back. 

_He is only a man!_

She cursed, reaching for his hand and wrenching his fingers off of her. 

"Dammit! Let go of me!" Kagura forgot her anger as fear rose inside of her. "Let go, Azumamaro!" 

She let his hand fall, staring at his dead eyes.

Kagura straightened her back and took a few minutes to breathe, allowing herself to relax and her peace of mind to return. 

"I'm not one to cry," she told him, and then turned away, looking out at the skyline. "It is useless, wouldn't you agree?" Kagura pulled what was left of her sleeves over her arms and made sure her obi was secure around her waist. 

She lifted her usable arm and casually swept a stray strand of hair out of her face. 

"Crying does not change anything," she sighed, dismayed at not being able to find a feather in her hair and instead resolved to march forward, out of the stench of the battlefield. "Only the weak cry, only they lament over things they cannot change." 

_I am not weak. I do not cry. I do not lament over what cannot be changed._

She straightened out her kimono, lifting her head high as she ran one hand over her sides, surprised to find several arrows protruding from her body. Gritting her teeth, she tore them out, refusing to cry out in pain.

"Sesshoumaru, you were right again," Kagura shook her head, anger boiling up inside of her. 

_It was foolish of me to believe that he could not lose, that he would not lose…_

The taiyoukai's words echoed back to her, _ Daisetsu will kill your mate, and he will kill you…_. Somewhere inside, Kagura found the courage to smile, even as she turned her back on the body of her mate and the bodies of her once loyal followers. _You were not entirely correct, I am alive…_ She took one confident step forward and found her body was easily propelled. 

_I will move on, I will find other ways to get what I want. _

I am strong, you taught me that. 

The wind-user looked beyond the valley and into the darkness of the world around her. What Azumamaro had managed to achieve with her by his side would aid her. She would not forget what she had learned here. Two of the greatest powers ever in existence had attempted to oppress her strength and rip her out of the world. Both Naraku and Daisetsu had failed miserably.

A familiar sense of empowerment and pride swelled in her, and she lifted her eyes to the sky. 

------------------------------------------- 

Sesshoumaru looked out into the darkness, keening his youkai senses with characteristic ease. 

_Blood…_

That alone was not surprising, he was not far from the battlefield. It was the owner of the blood that compelled him towards the source, leaving Jaken behind to shout after him. 

_It seems that the reports from my scouts were not correct._

He made his way through the woods, descending on the gory battlefield, immersed in the body parts and blood of various youkai from both Daisetsu and Azumamaro's armies. He walked a few steps and came to the older lord's mutilated form. One eyebrow rose as he appraised the situation. 

_Impressive work…_

He scanned the rest of the ground. 

_I see he lost his arm doing it._

He stared at Daisetsu's broken body for a few moments, contemplating the older youkai's death. He would not be missed. It was the power structure that had been disrupted. 

_Now who will rise to take this one's place?_

Sesshoumaru did not have to turn his head to see Azumamaro's body. He already knew the other youkai's fate. 

"Are you dead yet?" He asked. Sarcasm tainted his voice. 

Azumamaro's eyes twitched and the warlord rolled his head to the side to stare blandly at the taiyoukai's feet. He cursed the fact that he didn't have the strength to look up at his face. 

"You came here for her." 

Sesshoumaru scowled at the assumption. 

_As if I would go out of my way for that woman…_

"Do not assume she is so important to—" 

"This Sesshoumaru?" Azumamaro mocked. 

The lord looked down at him, too dignified to lower himself to harming a dying man. 

"I came to see the outcome of this battle. I had heard you killed Daisetsu." Sesshoumaru's face was emotionless as he stepped over Azumamaro's body. "Even so, I am not surprised to find you here in the throes of death." 

Behind him he heard Azumamaro make a disgusting noise. He was possibly coughing up blood or some other matter, but when Sesshoumaru turned back to regard him, he noticed that whatever he had done, he had managed to push himself up into a sitting position. 

_As near to death as he is…_

"You-" he coughed, sending a string of spittle and blood down his chin and neck. "What will you do with Kagura?" 

"She is alive?" Sesshoumaru appeared to be unmoving, but Azumamaro was not fooled. 

_This bastard, looking and speaking to me as if I were some common…_

"Your words betray you, Sesshoumaru," he was certain that Azumamaro would have laughed if he wasn't so near to death. Instead he fell backwards, feeding off of the last of his strength. "You are only pretending…not to know her fate." He grinned slightly. "I am sure that the great Sesshoumaru knew before he stepped onto this battlefield that the woman was still alive. You came to find me because you smelled her nearby; now, having found my body, you know for sure your woman is alive and you are going to go and claim her." 

His dignity attacked, Sesshoumaru was torn between slicing Azumamaro's miserable body from his head and walking away. 

_I will do neither._

He frowned at the thought. 

_To take his life would be an indignity, to walk away would give credence to his words._

"A dying man's jealousy." Sesshoumaru stared down at him, vaguely aware of Jaken's approaching scent and patter of feet. 

Azumamaro coughed, aware of the indignity of that statement. He was hanging onto strands of his life, struggling to combat the one who had truly defeated him. 

"She told me what you said—" he gasped, fighting for breath as life was torn from him. 

Sesshoumaru inclined his head in acknowledgement, smug in his assertion. 

"You will die." He watched the other man. 

"Protect her," Azumamaro urged. His dark eyes danced wildly, unable to focus on the one who towered over him. 

Sesshoumaru scoffed. 

"I will not. She is capable of protecting herself." His temper rose slightly, irritated at having to listen to the dying youkai's dribble. "She is not the weak woman that you believe she is. She is not a servant, and she is not an asset to obtaining one's will. The wind user has survived this, and she has rightly left you here to die." 

For a few minutes Azumamaro was silent. His withering, shaky breathing was the only noise between them, and Sesshoumaru accepted this, hopeful that this meant the end of the irritating fool who dared to speak to him as one would to any commoner. His hope was short-lived. 

"She did not leave me," he muttered indignantly. His words were barely discernable against his dying breaths. "I let her go. I let her believe that I was…dead." 

Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed. 

"You are a greater fool than I had imagined." 

Azumamaro chuckled slightly. His voice was raspy and he looked up at the sky. The color in his eyes was fading along with the life in his body. 

"I wanted to wait for you…I wanted to make sure…that she would be…safe." 

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and listened as the last breath escaped Azumamaro's body. His chest deflated and his head lolled to the side, spilling blood onto the already soaked grass. 

Jaken ran to his side, panting and waving the Staff of Heads anxiously. 

"Sesshoumaru-sama—" 

"We are leaving." Sesshoumaru walked away from the scene, ignoring his retainer's anxious questions. 

_…wasteful are emotions, binding in their rampant destruction, overtaking even the strongest of wills…_

His eyes narrowed. 

_Where have you gone, Kagura?_

**Note:** Whew, well, that was a lot in a short amount of time! I floundered over what I wanted to do with Azumamaro, on the one hand I loved him because he was a Kagura worshipper, but on the other hand, he was in the way of Sesshoumaru. Then there's the fact that I love writing him…in the end it came down to what actions his character could take to make the greatest impact on the other characters. So, one life/death situation for Kagura, plus one death for Azumamaro, plus one tell Sesshoumaru what he doesn't want to hear and make it so that he can't do anything about equals a twist that I bet you didn't see coming! Hah! (Or at least I hope you didn't…) 

Also, thanks for all of the reviews, they were a joy to read.:) 


	5. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 5

Title: Illusions of My Memories  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world. 

**Note-** I'm glad so many people are enjoying reading this, I hope that I can convert a few fans to Sess/Kagura and keep surprising you with twists. I rarely abandon stories, so you won't have to worry about that. Kurebake of course, is having fun badgering me about getting new chapters out complete with Sess/Kagura fluff…but if I did that, it wouldn't entertaining, now would it? insert evil laugh here Sorry for the awful grammar and spelling errors in the last chapter, I had a look at it a little while ago and realized that some corrections must be made. I'll go back and do that later. Onto the fic. 

-------------- 

It did not take long for the taiyoukai lord to find her: in her haste to leave the battlefield Kagura had left a considerable trail of blood that was attracting youkai from all over the valley. Sesshoumaru slowly made his way to her resting place, doing away with the youkai that stood in his way with little difficulty. He proceeded as he did with all things, gradually and with discipline. There was no reason for him to rush his journey, Kagura would not die. 

_Like all beings you must learn that your destiny is dependent on your own will. Your life hangs on threads that you weave. Your choices must be made with consideration of what you are going to be and what is to come._

He briefly halted his trek, observing several lesser youkai as they scrambled to get out of his way. Attracted by the steady flow of blood, they scattered when they sensed Sesshoumaru's stronger youki and dispersed into the darkness. As ageless, mindless, wraiths, they had no drive besides their instincts, no conception of what toll their actions had on the paths before them. 

_Actions and consequences…_

Sesshoumaru paused in reflection, disturbed only by the pestering of his retainer. He turned a hateful eye on him to induce silence before turning back to the task before him.

_Actions and consequences do not matter to those who have no life. Those who simply react to their primal urges only exist. Their actions are not meant to fulfill any purpose. They satisfy base desires, not out of any inward drive to achieve a goal, certainly not because of deep contemplation._

Sesshoumaru moved forward again, piercing through the darkness and creating a break in the waves of youkai who haunted the skies and the earth. 

_Life, like all things must end. All beings that come into existence are born with this understanding. Rin was not ignorant of her own life. She was well aware of the fragility of her existence in comparison to my own. She knew that I would go on while she would not._

The night was closing in. For any other being such an event would be a cause for fear. Sesshoumaru simply walked, going on as he had before. There was no change in his stride and no hesitation in his step. 

He stopped short upon catching sight of Kagura sitting at the base of a tree, picking at what remained of her fan.

_I have seen this before…_

Kagura was hunched over, breathing haggardly, obviously in pain. The scent of her blood overtook his senses. She was far from death, but obviously suffering.

_Rin._

Memories of his faithful ward easily beckoned to him, looming darkly on his mind. Her shadow seemed to move over Kagura's form. 

_But she did not bleed…_

_Rin had looked on me and smiled in her last hours…_

He inclined his head slightly at the thought.

_She was an old woman who smiled as brightly as she had in her youth. _

_Rin was not in any physical pain. I would never have allowed any harm to come to her._

Suddenly frowning at his morbid recollections, Sesshoumaru focused his eyes on Kagura's slumping figure. Like all things, the Lord of the Western Lands knew that the scene before him must be assessed with patience and a clear head. Wounds covered Kagura's sides and gashes ran up her arms. Her usual resolve had abandoned her body. 

_She fell from a great height, wounding herself on broken swords. It is likely that she was struck by arrows as she made her descent._

He keened his eyes slightly to see her face in the gloom. Something, slight and moving caught his eye. Sesshoumaru took in the scant scent of salt and water…

"You are crying." 

Kagura's head snapped up at his voice. Obviously she hadn't heard him or Jaken approach in the din of thoughts rolling through her mind. She glared at him and stood, going against her best judgment in order to do so. Sesshoumaru watched her in silence, trying to determine her strength. 

He narrowed his eyes at the sight of her perfect face, marred with streaks of blood and bruises. Beyond that, her body was not only bloody, but appeared to be worn and pale. Her usually well kept kimono was indeed torn and stained beyond recognition. 

_Her hands…_

He found himself dwelling on them. They were the only true signs of her emotional distress, balled into fists at her sides as she fought back pain in order to look him in the eye. He lifted his gaze slightly to regard her. Silence reigned between them. 

Kagura opened her mouth as if to say something, then stopped, eyeing the toad that stood at Sesshoumaru's feet. Slightly surprised at her hesitance, Sesshoumaru gestured dismissively at Jaken. 

"Leave us."

The toad looked ready to protest but slunk away instead, wary of his master's irritable mood. 

Kagura gave him a wry smile. 

"I have not been crying." She leaned back against the tree, willing her sides to stop aching as she attempted to appear aloof. 

Sesshoumaru's jaw clenched. 

"You are intent on arguing with me?" He frowned at her. "You have been crying. I can smell it." 

Kagura rolled her eyes at him, biting back a curse. 

"I have not been crying," she repeated, and stood up straighter, experiencing some relief when she realized that the pain in her legs had subsided some. "Only the weak cry, if you smell tears it's your business, but don't try to accuse _me_ of being weak." 

He regarded her sorry state for a moment before turning around to look at the darkened forest. 

"It is a surprise that you are not dead already. You made yourself easy to track." 

_I don't believe it…did he come here only to insult me?_

Kagura's eyes flashed with rage. 

"I understand," she bit out, digging her nails into her thighs. "that you think I was a fool to go to war with Azumamaro, and then to come here and pass out against a tree bleeding to death…but do not think of me as weak enough to cry over something that I cannot change!" 

_Who are you raging at, wind-user?_

"Do not think of me as weak enough to cry," she ground out. Kagura pulled herself away from the tree so that she stood solidly on both legs. "Do not think of me as weak at all!" 

"I have never thought of you as weak. I would not waste my time associating with you if you were such." 

Kagura stared at his back, eyes widening at his confession. 

"Then why—" 

"Do not question me further," Sesshoumaru cut her off with a characteristic air of arrogance surrounding him. He walked towards her without any hesitation and forcefully reached out and took her by the arm. Kagura jerked back warily and grimaced in pain. 

"What the hell do you think you're—" 

"Sit down." He tugged roughly on her arm and she found herself stumbling onto her knees. 

"Sesshoumaru!" Kagura gasped, ready to stand up again until his hand found its way to her shoulder and held her firmly in place. 

"Quiet, woman." His brow furrowed. "I found your rasping to be irritating." 

Kagura looked up at him defiantly, attempting to gain some face, even as she took his advice and leaned back against the tree. 

_This entire time, he was listening to the way I was breathing?_

"You should be dead right now," he let go of her and stood back up, towering over her smaller form. 

Kagura pulled her knees to her chest defensively. 

"Because you predicted it?"

His expression was unreadable as usual, and she watched as he moved from in front of her to stand at her side instead. Despite her pain, Kagura marveled at his austere nature and the way he moved through the world as if it didn't exist. She wondered how such a youkai could come into existence. 

_Did he have parents…or did he simply spring from the earth itself?_

As they sat in silence Kagura tried to imagine Sesshoumaru as a child, helpless and clinging to his mother like some spoiled brat. The image was irreconcilable with his current form. The concept of a small, sniveling Sesshoumaru, begging for more of his mother's milk sent the wind user laughing into the sleeve of her kimono. She felt Sesshoumaru's body react unfavorably to the action. 

"Do you find something humorous about bleeding to death in the dark?" 

Kagura rolled her eyes. 

"I was thinking of you, asshole." 

A low growl moved between them. 

_Anyone else would fear you right now, but instead I …_

She smiled accustomed to his violent turns of temper when she insulted his pride. 

"I wasn't making fun of you," Kagura closed her eyes, willing sleep to take over her. "I was imagining you as a baby." 

Silence came again. Sesshoumaru had no idea how to respond to that. 

_What good would such a thing do?_

He frowned and turned away from her. 

_Irritating woman…_

------------------------------------------- 

Kagura blinked blearily against the rising dawn. Two golden eyes fixed on her, and she saw that Sesshoumaru was standing before her with his arms tucked into his sleeves, glaring slightly. 

_Don't tell me he's ticked that he woke up before me…_

"Come," he stated, and simply began to walk in the opposite direction. 

Kagura's brow lifted at the audacity of the statement. 

_It isn't as if I should be surprised, he has never been considerate of anyone but himself._

"No." Kagura turned away from him in irritation. 

To her delight, her body was almost entirely healed. She lifted arms and stretched them over her head, casually observing Sesshoumaru as he turned his head slightly to the side. 

"You are testing my patience." 

She rolled her eyes in irritation. 

"The world does not revolve around you—" 

He made a sound of disbelief and turned back around, obviously annoyed with her current mood. 

"You had no previous objections to being watched over," He retorted, "and I did not enjoy the task." 

_I don't believe this, now it's my fault…_

She scoffed. 

"No one told you to watch over me—" 

"You passed out," he growled, irritated at being accused of any sort of charity. 

"My point exactly," Kagura flashed him an easy grin, meant to emphasize that he was caught in an obvious lie. 

He furrowed his brow in anger. 

The two stared at each other for a few minutes before Sesshoumaru abruptly turned his back, walking away. He silently marveled at how Azumamaro was able to put up with Kagura at all. Smiling to herself, Kagura followed behind. 

He stopped. 

"Do not follow me if you are going to continue to act childishly." 

Kagura continued to walk until she came astride him. 

"As if I have ever acted childishly." She retorted. 

Sesshoumaru didn't bother to answer her. He had the distinct feeling that she was mocking him. 

It was unsettling. 

Even more bothersome was the fact that he had not torn her to pieces for doing so.

Jaken ran up behind him. 

"Sesshoumaru-sama, I thought that we were going to go to—" 

"Quiet, Jaken," Sesshoumaru stared straight ahead, without any intention of turning back. 

His servant grumbled something unintelligible before sighing and resigning himself to his fate. Kagura walked comfortably, surprised that her body had already healed from the battle. 

_I have grown stronger, much stronger than I was while under Naraku._

After about half a day of walking in silence, Kagura realized that they weren't nearing the palace. 

She frowned. 

"Sesshoumaru—" 

"Your smell is offensive." He stated, and before Kagura could open her mouth to berate him, he coolly added, "We are going to a village to retrieve clothes. You will bathe yourself of that…youkai's…stench." 

Kagura's eyes widened. She knew that she should be insulted, and technically she was…it was just that she couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed at the implications of his words.

_He simply could have said that the blood caked into my clothing and skin offended him, not that Azumamaro's scent played any part in his disgust…_

_Azumamaro…_

Kagura was surprised when his name brought back familiar tears, tugging at the corners of her eyes. Her throat suddenly felt dry and an unsettling feeling began to overwhelm her. 

_He is only a man. He is gone from my life…_

Kagura tried to ignore the fact that since joining with him, she had never imagined her life without him in it. He was the constant in her future. 

_What we had together was far from love._

At best, she was confident that it was a mutual understanding and respect. 

_If he had loved me…_

Memories of his enthusiastic face and splendid smile returned to her, and the sound of her name on his lips echoed in her mind. 

_I wonder if you did, if it was possible for two youkai like us to do something so foolish as to fall in love._

As she walked next to the pillar of restraint, moving like a mountain through time, the idea of two youkai in love seemed impossible. 

Kagura knew better than to love. Love brought nothing but pain. 

_Only humans are stupid enough to love. Their lives are so short; they have few things to hope for unless they are samurai or lords. Love becomes something out of the ordinary in their predictable, mundane existence. Unlike us they die off in a short span of time, so they grasp hold of whatever seems exciting or thrilling. _

Can a man still love a woman and make love to someone else? Humans don't believe he can, but that is limiting isn't it? 

Kagura looked ahead, focusing her eyes on the wealthy village that stood in the distance. 

_Men have few desires but to spread their seed, why would they want to be held down to one female because of love? Why would one female want to be held down to a man?_

Thoughts which had originally come randomly within her mind began to trace a straight path before her, guiding her along, out of the wilderness. 

_"A whore", Azumamaro, you made me realize that is what I was to Sesshoumaru._

She cast a sideways glance at the man next to her, taking in his stony disposition. 

_You would think that word would make me angry, and I was angry when I thought that Sesshoumaru had looked down on me…but "whore" is only a word, it isn't who I am. A man who takes many women but claims only to love one is still known as a man. I have loved no one and known only two men physically in my life, by any man's standards, the title of "whore" would suit me…_

Kagura smirked to herself. 

_But I'm not going to rage and kill over a flimsy title, not when I can crush a man in the palm of my hands for the joy of it. Do a man's words really matter when he's dead? Do they really matter when his life is like a spec of dust on your sleeve?_

Kagura smiled even wider. 

_I am much more than I was under Naraku. I am strong in my own right. I may have learned some things under Sesshoumaru's instruction, but in the end, my strength and my success has been because of my own doing. Azumamaro is dead and he failed in his conquests, but because I am strong I am still alive. My survival was not the result of fortune._

Kagura stopped short, realizing that Sesshoumaru had halted some yards outside of town. He obviously had no intention of continuing any farther. He raised an eyebrow at her and looked beyond her head, indicating for her to go on. 

"I will not lower myself to entering a human settlement." 

Something in her bristled at that statement. She was fully aware of its implications. He was too great to enter the village, while she was certainly low enough to do so. 

_I cannot crush you in my palms, but your word is still nothing to me because of what I have become._

_I am a woman who is feared by even the greatest men. _

I am strong because I wanted to be, because I would not relent… 

She shrugged at him and continued on, not bothering to give him a verbal retort. 

-------------------------------------------- 

Kagura returned some time in mid-afternoon to find Sesshoumaru reclining against the tree with one arm lazily placed over his knee. His head was tilted up slightly and she could see that he was staring off into the distance. It was a familiar sight. 

_Kami only knows what he's thinking when he does that…_

It actually made her a bit uncomfortable, reminding her of Naraku's meticulous planning and deadly deceptions. 

_Of course, Sesshoumaru has too much pride and honor to be deceptive…_

"Yo," she threw down her new clothes in front of him, placing two hands firmly on her hips. 

_If he thinks he can go on pretending to ignore me…_

He turned his eyes to her and saw that she was still wearing the tattered clothing from earlier. One eye-brow rose in question. 

Kagura smiled back at him. 

"Which one?" She asked. 

His face fell back into its usual disinterested façade and he turned away from her again. 

"Do not bother me with insipid questions." 

Kagura walked around him so that she was in range of his vision and crossed her arms over chest. 

"The yellow one, then?" she asked. 

Sesshoumaru's brow lowered. 

"The red one." 

"Eh? And here I thought you weren't even paying attention…" 

"Kagura." In one swift motion Sesshoumaru stood and walked past her. 

His back was turned towards her and he didn't say anything more, so Kagura decided that must have been her stern reprimand and reached for the red kimono with the goldfish design on it. She stripped down and promptly began to dress. Almost as soon as she was done he began to walk away from the village. Inwardly, Kagura marveled how he managed to know she was done dressing without turning his back to check. She guessed Jaken's facial expressions must have acted as cues… 

"What do you plan to do?" 

"Hm?" Kagura came astride of him again, squeezing her new fan in the palm of her right hand. 

Sesshoumaru made a sound of irritation and looked at her out of the corner of his eye. 

"Daisetsu is dead and your mate is dead with him." 

Kagura didn't answer him, she simply shrugged. 

_Why is everyone asking me what I intend to do?_

Sesshoumaru stopped, turned around swiftly, and fixed her with an irritated glare. 

"Kagura," he growled. "You are the new ruler of the Northern Lands. What do you plan to do?" 

Kagura's eyes widened, and she stared at Sesshoumaru, speechless. 

_Oh, shit…_

---- 

**To My Reviewers:** Thank you everyone for the positive feedback, though you know, constructive criticism is appreciated as well…;) 

Arteme- I'm glad you liked the last chapter, I too felt sorry for Azumamaro, his was a one-sided love…though it seems that Kagura may have some unresolved feelings on that front. Kagura went through hell last chapter, so I tried to give her back her strength in this chapter. I had a lot of fun writing the banter before her and Sesshoumaru, though I was tempted several times to go for fluff in that last exchange. Somehow Sesshoumaru choosing out her clothes has always been in the back of my mind. 

Violettegal345- Thanks for the compliment and the encouragement. 

SailorDonut- I'm glad you took the time to read, and I hope you enjoy the latest addition. 

DQBunny- I hope my writing has turned you onto the wonderful relationship of Sesshoumaru/Kagura. They are currently my favorite pairing in _Inuyasha_, and I hope that Takahashi officially writes them into some type of romantic relationship. I'm having a lot of fun dropping the ambiguous hints about what happened to the other characters in _Inuyasha_. I searched for a way to make Inuyasha's death meaningful, even if the person recalling his life wasn't his biggest fan. 

UgLyDaRkFaErIe547- Thank you for your compliments, I try very hard to keep everyone IC in the story, so hopefully my efforts have paid off. I hope everyone enjoyed the newest chapter. 


	6. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 6

Title: **Illusions of My Memories**  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world. 

**Author's Notes:** This chapter may get a little confusing, I'm using italics again to denote Kagura and Sesshoumaru's thoughts as the past is narrated and they reflect on each other's words.

_I have a strange feeling that I've been here before, not this place, but this sensation feels familiar. My body goes numb, and I wish that the world would swallow me alive so that I never have to look back on anything or do anything ever again. _

When Naraku died, I never realized how much things had changed for me. Not only did I posses freedom, but I now had the ability to make my own decisions. For the first few decades, this was fine...I allowed the wind to take me where it pleased, and I disappeared off of the face of the earth. My enemies had no knowledge of where I had gone or whether or not I was alive.

I don't remember when but some where along the way, I realized that I couldn't go on as I was. The world was changing and moving, and I was moving along with it without any direction...at one time I was convinced that I didn't need direction and I didn't need a life like the ones that humans lived. 

Their lives were full of conflict and misery, but it wasn't long before I realized that they were doing much more in their short, miserable, existences, than I had done in the span of 30 years. 

I wondered what I should do and where I should go--and when I realized that there was nothing I truly wished to do, I had this terrible feeling... 

"Kagura," Sesshoumaru's brow had lowered in frustration and he was staring at her with a curious expression. 

"Are you still here?" Kagura bit out. 

She had walked away from him shortly after his revelation, intent on making some space between them. It was bad enough that she was now leader of her own vast territory, but she was also thrown into a situation where she would have to deal with Sesshoumaru on a political and personal level. 

_I can barely deal with him personally..._

Kagura looked at him out of the corner of her eye and frowned. 

_If he would just leave me alone..._

"Do you intend to run away?" 

Kagura flinched at the dry tone in his voice. 

"Do I _look_ like I'm running away?" Kagura didn't even know the answer to the question herself, but she could atleast determine how she appeared to a man that she could never show weakness in front of. 

Sesshoumaru didn't answer, evidently the question wasn't worth his effort. 

_Back then, it was almost as if I was afraid. I could have died all those years ago, and I wouldn't have cared. There was nothing for me to live for besides myself, and once the struggle goes away, what do you have to fight for? What is there to live for? You can follow the wind, and fade away like a wraith...you can be forgotten...eventually your enemies won't care enough to kill you. I was living with no end in sight, with nothing to rage against and keep me alive._

"I'm not running any where," Kagura's back straightened, and she slapped her fan firmly against an open palm. "I have no reason to, the fact simply is that I don't want to be 'Lord'--or whatever, of the Northern Lands." 

She turned back and cocked an eyebrow at Sesshoumaru, unimpressed by his angry glare. 

"Let those other youkai fight over it," Kagura casually plucked a feather from her hair, preparing to create a craft so that she could fly away. "It is none of my business what happens here, Daisetsu and Azumamaro are dead, so I--" 

"You cannot simply walk away from a situation that you have created." Sesshoumaru's voice was surprisingly even, considering that he was discussing a subject so sensitive to his own circumstances. 

Kagura was well aware that if she took control of the Northern Lands would mean a change in Sesshoumaru's own life. She wasn't entirely ignorant of the workings of the youkai world--especially when it came to territory disputes. The shift of power so near to Sesshoumaru's border was a definite matter of concern. 

_Why else would he have sought me out after Daisetsu and Azumamaro's deaths?_

"Oh?" Kagura refused to turn around and look at him, her resolve to leave was already crumbling under the glare he had fixed on the back of head. "The last time I checked, I was free to do as I pleased." 

She squeezed the tip of the feather, willing it to grow and expand. As usual, a gust of wind picked up around her, signaling the coming transformation. In an instant, Sesshoumaru was standing mere inches away from her face. His feet were planted firmly on top of the feather, which was now broken and never had a chance to lift her high off the ground. Kagura frowned, surprisingly more irritated over the loss of her treasured vessel than she was over his interference. 

"You son of a bitch--you're going to have to find me another one--" 

One hand shot up and he grabbed her arm, forcing her to snap out of her wayward thoughts and give him some consideration. 

"Why do you always have to be so forceful!" Kagura jerked back, rolling her eyes at the fact that her effort to extricate herself hadn't gotten her anywhere. She merely winced at the pain as his vice grip tightened around her lower arm. 

"Wind-user," he lowered his voice. "I cannot believe that you would overthrow a 600 year-old dynasty and walk away from an oppurtunity to forge a new one--" 

"Believe it--" 

"Or that you would risk bodily harm by angering this Sesshoumaru further." 

Kagura scoffed. 

"I don't care what _you_ or anyone else thinks, I'm going to do as I please, as I always have. Do you think I want to be tied down to some crappy wastelands and give up my freedom?" She rolled her eyes again. "I thought you knew me better than that..." 

"Why ally yourself with someone intent on conquering the world if you have no intention of gaining any power?" 

Kagura attempted to pull away again, narrowing her eyes at the insipid question. 

"I wasn't _allied_ with anyone!" She snapped. "He was my mate, I was with him because of my connection to him, not because I wanted to gain anything." 

Sesshoumaru looked at her blandly. 

Obviously the idea of Kagura teaming up with anyone for any reason other than personal gain didn't seem believable or feasible to him. He cocked an eyebrow at her. 

"If not for power, then why bother?" 

Kagura opened her mouth to snap back an angry retort, but was stalled by the look of confusion in Sesshoumaru's eyes. She frowned. 

"And I suppose that you kept Rin with you because she was a means to an end? Did she enable you to gain some great advantage over your enemies?" 

He narrowed his eyes at her. 

"You did not answer my question." 

Sensing an advantage, Kagura laughed haughtily. 

"Answer _mine_." 

They stared at each other for a few minutes, each unable to admit defeat. Growling, Sesshoumaru finally let her arm go, and Kagura turned her head away from him in disgust. 

After a bit of reassurance and careful mulling over his words, Sesshoumaru finally stepped forward again and stared whistfully at the back of her head. 

"You cannot throw away your responsibilities." 

His words were straight forward and simple. He folded his hands inside of his sleeves and looked on her without any signs of anger or resentment over their earlier argument. He pushed the implications that Azumamaro had meant something more to her than an instrument to the back of his mind. 

Dejected, but still willing to fight off the older youkai's words, Kagura turned back around to face him. 

"Says who?" 

"You have no choice." 

Sesshoumaru watched as Kagura mulled his words over, reflecting on his own role. 

_Those with power must act responsibly. Otherwise the world is thrown into chaos._

"You must return to the Northern Lands and assert your influence." 

Kagura looked unimpressed. 

"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't fucking want it!" She looked exasperated, and sank to the ground, tucking her legs neatly under her body. 

_He's not going to let me go until I do what he wants...just like it was then. I only went to see him because there was nothing else left for me anywhere else in the world. I didn't care if I died, but I could not simply give up on a life I fought so hard to achieve. When he let me come with him I suddenly had something to do...something to go on for..._

"This is not about what you want." 

Kagura looked up at the Western Lord, who for all of his stern appearance and arrogance, seemed almost sympathetic to her plight. 

"This is what must be done. If you were too fool then to realize what you were creating when you went to war with Daisetsu, and you are too childish now to accept your responsibility, then you are not the youkai that I thought you were." 

Sesshoumaru turned his back on her and began to walk away, fading into the forest around them. He had intended to visit Rin's shrine, but that would have to wait. With Kagura intent on evading her responsibility, he could not leave the Western Lands. Lesser youkai lords would vie for the Northern territories, even if they were wastelands and full of useless wretches. The mountain ranges and endless valleys provided strategic areas for assembling armies to battle and securing outposts that could pose a threat to his father's legacy. 

_There is no time to waste on frivolous pursuits. The strong have a responsibility to preserve the old ways...to keep order, and the balance of power intact._

Kagura narrowed her eyes at him. Is that how he thought of her? 

_A child..._

As much as she hated it, the words stung Kagura. He had called her that many times in their association. Compared to the ageless youkai, her lifespan was a spec within his own. Her knowledge of the world based on smaller impressions of Sesshoumaru's vaster understandings. Through him she had learned the weight of responsibility that a youkai lord must carry, and it had made her own pursuits seem trivial in comparison. She had felt worn from the world, tired of endless seas and skies, but she had never had the chance to grow weary of an actual life. 

_It seems Sesshoumaru's opinion of me will never change... he will never see me as more than some fledgling youkai, washing away with the past. Unless I..._

His image was quickly receding from view, and Kagura brought herself to her feet, disgusted with her previous behavior. 

"Do you think I'm throwing a tantrum?" she snapped. 

Sesshoumaru paused. 

"Aren't you?" 

Kagura bit her lip. 

"Is it so hard for you to believe that there are other forces in this world that drive people besides power?" She walked quickly to his side and stopped short in front of him. "I don't want it, Sesshoumaru. I don't want anything to do with Daisetsu's leavings...that was Azumamaro's desire, not mine; he is dead, and I am no longer his mate." 

She narrowed her eyes at him again. 

"Look down on me if you like," Kagura threw her head back and folded her arms. "I have no interest in how you feel about me or what you have to say." 

Sesshoumaru's brow lowered again in irritation. 

"Are you finished? I have work to do." 

Kagura caught the anger in his eyes and relished in the superior feeling it gave her. Few had reign over Sesshoumaru's emotions. She was quickly becoming aware of the affect her actions had on him. Even more impressive was the fact that he hadn't been moved to violence against her, even after all of the wrongs that she had committed against him. 

She wasn't sure what that meant, but so far it gave her supreme joy over the flexibility that she was allowed in their encounters. There was silence for a while, and Jaken made a coughing noise, indicating that he had grown tired of being ignored by Sesshoumaru yet again, who seemed to be in favor of arguing with a brutish female instead of attending to actual matters of importance. 

His master ignored him. 

"No, I'm not done," she tapped her fan against her side. "I'll do it." 

His brow raised, and if he wasn't so emotionally distant, Kagura would have sworn that he was going to smile. 

Instead he stepped past her and continued on his way. 

"Jaken, come." The toad ran after, not needing to be told, but relishing in the recognition. "Kagura, hurry up." 

Kagura made a sound of irritation at being told what to do, but caught up to his side anyway, enjoying the shift in relations between them. 

_So, this is what it's like to have Sesshoumaru's respect..._


	7. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 7

Title: **Illusions of My Memories**  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world. 

**Author's Notes:** This chapter may get a little confusing, I'm using italics again to denote Kagura's thoughts and as she narrates the past.

_"One, two, three," Rin stopped before Jaken and ceremoniously lifted three fingers in the air, indicating that she had won yet another game between them. _

She seemed so proud for someone who had accomplished so little in her life... 

Sesshoumaru walked smoothly into the main hall of his residence, pausing as the great crowd parted to allow him passage. The youkai reverently lowered themselves to his feet, indicating their respect. 

_"Sesshoumaru-sama loves Rin." She looked up at me, not bothering to ask. _

It was strange that I allowed her such freedom. The question and the game were as same as anything that she had done in the past. It didn't seem to matter that she was an aged woman, wrinkled and sore from life. Rin's happiness had never faded, even in the midsts of her death. 

Contentment filled Sesshoumaru. Despite the recent unrest surrounding him and Kagura's bitter sniping at Jaken, he found himself feeling more relaxed than he had in some time. 

He watched as Kagura barged past him to brusquely tell two servants that the "Lord of the Northern Lands" needed a bath. He reminded himself to correct her, she should be called the Lady of the Northern Lands, not a lord. _Of course, the way she speaks and acts, it will be a wonder if anyone notices the difference._

The two lesser youkai she had berated into serving her hesitated for a moment, shifting their eyes to their lord as they stood on bended knee. Sesshoumaru lowered his head slightly in consent and watched with slight satisfaction as they dissipated down the hallway. 

Kagura looked irritated. 

"I finally have power," she stretched her arms over head and leaned back against the wall in the most un-lady like pose possible. "And your damned servants couldn't be bothered with doing my bidding." 

Sesshoumaru didn't bother to answer her. It was glaringly obvious why they did not, they were his servants. 

_My servants..._

Suddenly he found his irritation returning at the idea of her ordering them around. 

_Perhaps it is time that I reminded her of her place..._

He fixed his gaze on her to look her over again, searching for any other signs of imbecillic behavior. Instead he found a whistful expression as she watched the bustle of servants as they moved through the wide halls. 

Deciding that his curiousity needed to be satisfied more than anything else at the moment, Sesshoumaru ventured into what could possibly be a dangerous conversation. 

"What?" He asked. 

Kagura looked back at him lazily, tucking her hands into her sleeves and slowly walking around him. She made a clicking sound in her throat, indicating that she had no desire to answer him but felt compelled to out of obligation. 

"It's nothing, really." She felt him come closer to her as she led him further down the hall and entered one of his many libraries. "I was just thinking of how much Azumamaro would have liked this." 

_Fuck...I knew this was a bad idea, why did I even mention him?_

She could feel the tension rising in the room as Sesshoumaru distanced himself from her to look out a window. When she turned around to regard him he was glaring at the sunset, caught in one of his many sessions of ponderance.

Kagura felt the heat rising in her cheeks as a sudden discomfort hit her: she wasn't angry at Sesshoumaru, even though she wanted to be. He was ignoring her again, and usually that was justification for her to throw a fit. It occurred to her that his earlier comments regarding her childish behavior had caused her to hold her tongue. Kagura was holding back; she was considering what she should say, whether or not she should say it, and why in the world she suddenly felt very embarrassed and out of place. 

_His feelings are of no concern to me..._

Kagura frowned at that. 

_Does Sesshoumaru even have feelings? Besides anger, all he ever does is--_

"Kagura." 

His voice breaking the silence was like a breath of fresh air. The feelings of embarrassment and discomfort washed away, and she no longer felt like the cause of animosity between them. Kagura was quickly learning that while reign over Sesshoumaru's emotions was amusing at times, moments like these were hardly a cause for celebration. 

Especially when she had no where to run in order to escape them. 

"You must push him from your mind." Sesshoumaru flexed his arms slightly, resting one hand on the hilt of Toukijin and the other on the window sill. 

Kagura's eyes widened. 

"Huh?" She found herself walking forward to meet his side, despite the raging instinct urging her to get away. 

He stiffened slightly. 

"If the memory of that youkai is too difficult for you to stomach, then you must push him from your mind." 

He didn't turn to regard her, which Kagura was for once incredibly thankful for. She had a strong feeling that she didn't want to see his face. 

"Eh--and why should I do that?" She tried to sound casual, but the question sounded forced and broken to her own ears. 

Sesshoumaru's own words were steady and carried a distinct strength that only he posessed. He was well versed in the art of diplomacy, and with Kagura seething with unbridled emotions behind him, he had to direct himself with practiced ease. 

"The Northern Lands require great influence and a strong hand to posess." 

Kagura's fear was immediatly gone. 

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" 

Sesshoumaru heard her fan spread out and looked back at her, more at ease now that her usual anger permeated the air. He stepped away from the window and out towards the hallway. 

Kagura's mouth flew open to yell after him again, but the youkai lord casually slid the door open to reveal two servant girls waiting for Kagura outside. They both held long robes and towels, and fidgeted uncomfortably. Inwardly, he sneered at the idea that they had heard Kagura bark at him in such an offensive matter. 

_I must school her out of that annoying habit..._

He looked back at her angry expression and frowned. 

Suddenly, the idea of tempering her emotional reactions didn't seem possible. 

"Your bath is ready." He nodded at the girls, who bowed even lower as he swept by them to attend to his own business. Kagura glared at his back. 

_Sneaky asshole..._

She narrowed her eyes slightly. 

_Heh--I never thought that you would dare to fall into this habit again. You are just as controlling as you were when you first allowed me to travel with you._

An image of the stoic youkai lord flickered in her mind, characteristically calm and composed. His eyes moved slowly over her and narrowed as he scrutinized the fan clutched firmly in her hand. 

_"Why do you feel that a weapon is necessary?" _

What a question to ask--back then I thought he was just being an annoying, over-bearing asshole. Since we had been working together all he had done was question my actions, my motives, even my common sense. 

Why on earth did I ever put up with him? 

"I've always used it," I circled around him because I didn't trust him. I expected him to lash out at me; I had no idea that he was genuinely curious. 

"If you are going to travel with me, then you will leave that behind." 

Kagura's brow lowered in curiousity. 

_Was he testing me then? _

I argued with him for quite some time on the matter, but he never thought it worth his while to explain to me why it was necessary for me to go on defenseless. 

Then the training started... 

Kagura sighed and flexed her wrists, stretching her arms out and folding them behind her back. 

"So? Who are you two?" She asked, not particularly caring but feeling the need to assert her authority after being so thoroughly dismissed. 

The two girls immediatly began fidgeting, intent on evading the question and pretending that they hadn't been spoken to. 

Kagura chuckled, enjoying the reaction to her presence. 

_I suppose power isn't all that bad..._

She walked by them, meaning to repeat Sesshoumaru's earlier actions, but stopped short when she realized that she had no idea where the baths were kept. 

Sensing her distress, the more daring of the two vassals spoke up. 

"This way, miss." 

Kagura turned around and saw the two girls meekly shuffling down the hallway. She couldn't tell exactly what kind of demons they were, but guessed from the similar appearance to Sesshoumaru that they must be dogs. It made sense, why wouldn't the most powerful dog in the land have lesser dogs under his direction? 

They led her into a room with thick, double doors and Kagura found herself in an antechamber, cut off from the baths by two beautifully decorated sliding doors. The serving girls knelt at the foot of the doors and waited for Kagura to remove her robes and untie her hair so that they could hand over her sponges and bath oils. Kagura had been waited on before during Azumamaro's campaigns, but somehow this situation seemed glaringly different. 

She tried to ignore her discomfort as she undid her sash and tossed it in their general direction. It wasn't as if she had a problem being naked, she simply felt exposed after her last argument with Sesshoumaru. He had reminded her--yet again--of her inferior status. Even with his respect for her, he had little regard for the discomfort she felt at being the lesser partner in their so-called "relationship". relationship. 

"But are we even in a relationship anymore?" Kagura didn't care that the servants could hear her. 

It had been a while since she had heard her own voice, with the confidence and pride that she was accustomed to hearing. The servants flinched at the bit of information they had just been privy to. Learning about a lord's personal life could lead to oppurtunities for status climbers. Even a paranoid serving girl wasn't going to pass up the chance to glean information about her handsome benefactor. 

_I remember running into a few coniving young women a decade ago, each intent on creating a place for themselves in the Western Empire._

Kagura leaned into the doorway and placed her hand on the edge of the wall, testing the temperature of the room and eyeing the thick darkness that lay ahead. Her eyes were slow to adjust to the choking darkness.

_It's like a burial chamber in here..._

"Kagura-sama, is there something wrong?" 

The bird-like voice of the first serving girl broke Kagura's string of thoughts. 

Some how, she found herself thankful for the distraction. An uncomfortable feeling of dread had been weighing on her only moments before. Kagura was vaguely aware of the compromising position she was in now. 

_I can lie to Sesshoumaru and everyone else, but I can't lie to myself._

She straightened her back perceptibly and leaned harder against the wall. 

_Becoming the ruler of the Northern Lands was not something that I had planned._

"Nothing is wrong," Kagura muttered. She waved her left hand in front of her face, attempting to stave off the dark. "It is simply--dark in here." 

"Ah!" Kagura winced as the other serving girl, who was louder than before, stood and clapped her hands together. She bowed reverently and disappeared from the room, returning the next minute with candles in hand. "Please, allow me to make you more comfortable, Kagura-sama!" 

Kagura stared at her, not sure whether she should snap her in two for being so annoying, or accept her offer. Before she could nod her approval, the other girl pushed a beautiful silken robe in her direction, urging her to clothe herself. 

"Please, make yourself comfortable!" She bowed and Kagura accepted the robe, noting the smooth interior of it absent-mindedly. 

However, it did not take away the irritation of being fawned over. 

_They're acting like I give a shit about either of them--_

Kagura instantly felt the feeling of irritation decrease. She breathed in deeply and allowed one of the girls to lead her into another room. Once she was seated on the floor, she was greeted with hot tea and several cushions to lay down on. 

_They think Sesshoumaru and I..._

An evil gleam lit Kagura's eyes. 

"Hey," she casually lifted the tea to her lips and drank, enjoying the tension that instantly became apparent in the room. 

The two serving girls were suddenly at her feet, kneeling and vying for attention. 

_And I thought I had power before..._

"How can we serve you, Kagura-sama?" 

_The bird voice again._

Kagura's eyes flicked on the small form, who was still willing and eager to serve. Despite her superior's apparent irritation. 

"What's your name?" 

The girl brightened instantly at having been recognized. 

"Akina!" The girl treated Kagura with a smile. 

Kagura narrowed her eyes at her. 

_Akina--huh--she's pretty. The name suits her._

Her eyes narrowed even further. 

_What's Sesshoumaru doing with girls like this as his personal servants?_

"Kagura-sama?" The girl chirped. 

Kagura scowled at her. 

"Shut up. Did I ask you anything?" 

A shudder swept through the room. Kagura smiled. 

_That will teach her..._

"You have eyes for Sesshoumaru, huh?" She asked. 

The girl's cheeks suddenly flushed and she sat back, shocked. 

The other girl had gone noticebly silent, and Kagura saw that her hands were trembling to hold the tea pot. 

Kagura watched for a while, feeling strangely victorious. 

"It's alright," she smoothly sat her tea down and stretched, pretending to be a complete expert in conversations of love and relationships. 

She looked back at the girl. 

_Damn, she looks ready to wet herself right here..._

"I told you it's fine!" She repeated, and leaned forward to look both of the young women in the eyes. "What I said earlier, about us..." 

"Kagura-sama, forgive us, we didn't hear anything!" The other girl was talking now, covering for Akina's sudden bought of shyness. 

Kagura closed her eyes in irritation. 

"Who the hell are you?" She snapped. 

Silence again. 

Kagura raised one eyebrow, showing interest. 

"Answer." 

"Gin." 

_I'll keep my eyes on her for a while, to let her feel my power..._

Gin flinched. 

Kagura smiled confidently. 

"Don't speak unless you are spoken to." She folded her arms and sat back, appearing to be entirely comfortable. 

"Hai." Gin slumped back down, bowing her head to the floor. 

"Anyway," Kagura tapped the top of the teapot, signaling that she wanted her cup filled again. Akina promptly rushed to obey her. "I wanted to tell you that Sesshoumaru and I aren't affilliated in that matter." Akina brightened again, which annoyed Kagura beyond end. She tried to maintain her composure and rested one hand on her knee. "The fact is, Sesshoumaru doesn't like just any girl..." 

Akina lifted her head slightly. Gin followed. 

"Do you understand?" Kagura rolled her tongue around in her mouth, tasting the strong flavor of the tea. "I know you two like him..." 

The girls lowered their heads again. 

"But you see, there have been many women who have liked Sesshoumaru," Kagura bit her lip. 

At this point she wasn't sure why she started this conversation, or where she was going, but she certainly couldn't stop now. 

"I used to travel with him, along the frontier of the Western Lands, and we ran into plenty of women who wanted to move in and make themselves the next 'Lady of the Western Lands'," Kagura made a face. "The fact is, he just isn't interested in romance or cheap thrills--" 

Gin stiffened. 

If Kagura wasn't so nervous and on edge herself, she wouldn't have noticed. Her eyes picked up the involuntary reaction and her curiousity instantly peaked. 

"Gin." Kagura felt her throat suddenly go dry. 

The girl jerked forward and lifted her head. Her eyes looked wet and she was flushing brilliantly. Kagura glanced sideways at Akina and saw that she wasn't moving at all. 

_Sesshoumaru, you bastard, you've been indulging yourself with common house maids?!_

"Why are you shaking?" Kagura choked out. 

Her voice came out smaller than she expected, and she balled her hands against her knees. 

"G-Gomen Nasai, Kagura-sama," Gin turned away, shielding her face. "It is only that, Sesshoumaru-sama keeps a harem at Paektu." 

If Kagura wasn't so shocked, she would have reached across the table and killed Gin then and there. 

She stared at the small, shaking figure for a while, and then she laughed. 

_That's rediculous!_

Gin didn't respond, and Kagura swiftly stood, planting her hands on her hips. 

_That asshole is about as personal as a piece of wood. He'd never do anything so base like keeping a harem!_

"Kagura." Sesshoumaru's voice broke the tension in the room, and the two servants bowed deeply, ducking out of the room and back into the baths. 

Kagura watched them go, relishing the feeling of crushing their girlish dreams. 

"What do you want?" She turned away from him, ready to follow Gin and Akina out the door. 

"You will speak with me," Sesshoumaru commanded. He didn't bother to move to intercept her, he simply stared at the back of her head. 

"Oh?" Kagura placed one hand over her hip and cast him a sideways glance. 

_He's not the type to ever casually be with anyone that way..._

Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes slightly. 

"Take your bath, it can wait." 

Kagura nodded and left the room, too amused by Gin's exclamation about Sesshoumaru's personal life to give much thought to her own uncertain circumstances. When she entered the antechamber again, the two young girls were kneeling on the floor, looking as if they had never moved at all. Kagura gave them her new robe and stepped into the smaller, darker room. She groped her way down into the bath. Smooth, warm, panels of stone greeted her skin as she slid into the water. She sighed and allowed all of her muscles to relax. 

The baths consisted of several bowl shaped holes in the ground, covered in tile and edged out in stone. The ceilings were low and the water that filled each bathing crevice was so hot that steam clouded the already darkened room. Kagura could see large candles flickering at the other end of the bath, and smell the stinging incense that flowed in from other baths meters away. Each area was secluded by ornately decorated paper screens, which Kagura was certain hid spies and peeping perverts. 

She tensed her back muscles and tried to allow her mind to wander. 

_Sesshoumaru would hardly allow just anyone to enter into his palace--I'm certain he wouldn't approve of anyone spying on me now either..._

Kagura snorted. 

_If he even cares enough to approve, that is..._

As the thoughts slipped away, she yawned, ducked her head under the water, and pulled herself back up. Now that she had become acustomed to the atmosphere, it began to grow on her. 

_A harem..._

She turned the thought over in her mind. 

_Sesshoumaru isn't what you would call an "affectionate" man..._

Memories of her nights with Azumamaro flooded back to her, and she smirked slightly. 

_No, he certainly wasn't like Azumamaro was. Azumamaro would stop in the middle of a battle just to kiss me, or send his men away because he wanted us to spend the day alone. It didn't matter where we were, or what was going on..._

"Teh," Kagura let her head loll back against the edge of the bath and sighed. "Sesshoumaru would never just do _that_ with anyone." 

_But what if he does?_

Anger flared inside of her. 

_He would be just another stupid, predictable male!_

Kagura squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. 

_That just isn't possible._

She lay in the darkness, trying to relax and forget her troubles. 

_Sesshoumaru doesn't deserve to be on my mind right now._

After about half an hour, a sound caught her attention. 

It was the muffled voices of Akina and Gin as they murmured something between themselves, and then a familiar, deep, throaty one. Kagura immediatly stiffened. 

_He wouldn't..._

Then she heard the door slam shut as the two girls hastily made their way out of the antechamber and left her alone, in the dark, with nothing between her and Sesshoumaru but a thin partition. 

She sank down further in the water. He had seen her naked before, they had engaged in activities before that were beyond that of the normal apprentice/mentor relationship, _several times_ Kagura recalled. However, those previous experiences did nothing to dispell the distinct discomfort that she was experiencing at this very moment. 

She was too angry at him to be seen naked. He hadn't earned the right. 

Silence.

"I would like to have a word with you." 

Kagura was thankful for the dark and the barrier between them. She had a feeling her flushed face was from more than the rising steam. 

"Like hell you do, get the fuck out of here!" 

There was silence again.

"I have seen you naked before." Sesshoumaru made what could have been a laugh, but Kagura was too befuddled to know for sure. "I have done certain acts in the past with your person that make this present shyness of yours peurile." 

Kagura bit her lip. This was quickly becoming the worse few days in the history of her existence, coming in a close second to the night she found out Naraku was keeping her heart in a jar. 

"Do you plan on doing them again?" She choked out. 

As soon as the words were out of her mouth she had slapped her hands over her face. 

_Honestly, I'm acting like some stupid village girl!_

More silence. 

"No," Sesshoumaru shifted slightly and Kagura heard him come closer to the partition. "Not presently." 

She nearly slipped and hit her head on the side of the bath. 

"Just one damned minute," Kagura seethed with righteous indignation. "I'm not just going to roll over and--" 

"You did in the past." 

Forgetting her earlier reservations, Kagura quickly stood and lifted herself out of the pool, fighting off the wave of nauseating dizziness that hit her. 

"Pervert!" She spat. "I--that was over ten years ago and--" 

She paused. Straining her back and catching her breath, she sat down on her heels and eased herself back into the water. 

"You're only trying to get a rise out of me." The revelation struck her rather hard. 

The idea of Sesshoumaru actually being forward about their past sexual trysts had been too much for her. She honestly would have preferred to forget them... 

"Kagura," his voice was even and low, carrying his usual tone of seriousness. "I have no intention of engaging in any such activities in the future." 

_Well, you could atleast try to feel bad about it, you sorry bastard..._

"I don't care about that," she tried to brush her concerns off as her mind traveled back to their earlier confrontation. 

Sesshoumaru had receded back into his silence again, obviously content to wait until Kagura found her way out of the bath. The Wind User cleared her throat. 

"I seem to recall a certain ascinine comment from earlier...something about, 'The Northern Lands require great influence and a strong hand to posess' or some other nonsense. I never did find out what that meant." 

"Oh?" 

"So, is that some crack about how a female can't take care of herself, or about how I can't do anything without getting too emotional?" 

Sesshoumaru allowed an evil smile to slip past his lips. 

"I believe that has already been made evident." 

Kagura bristled at his words. 

"If you are going to rule the Northern Lands," Sesshoumaru paused and listened to as she leaned back, relaxing herself in the warmth of the bath. "You cannot afford to simply kill at random. You must learn restraint." 

"I do have restraint," Kagura bit back. "I haven't reached through that screen and tried to separate you from your favorite part now, have I?" 

Sesshoumaru made a sound of disgust. 

"If you are referring to my arm--" 

"Which of course, I am not." Kagura found herself holding back laughter as Sesshoumaru growled. 

"Finish your bath." He snapped, and promptly stepped out of the room. 

Kagura sighed as that familiar feeling of victory overwhelmed her. 

_Atleast he knows when to back down...good boy._

--------------------------- 

**Author's Notes:** Hope you enjoyed that...it took forever to write up. Thank you to everyone for the reviews! 


	8. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 8

Title: Illusions of My Memories  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.

Author's Notes:As usual, italics denote thoughts/flashbacks.

How long does he plan on having me sit here?

Kagura fidgeted slightly from her spot on the floor; it had to be at least noon time and Sesshoumaru was no where to be seen. He had sent for her nearly an hour ago.

The entire situation made her cringe.

Since when did I come when any man sent for me?

She stood and leaned against the wall opposite to Sesshoumaru's door, attempting to ease the cramps in her legs.

When she had finished with her bath, Jaken arrived to inform her that Sesshoumaru was expecting her in his chambers. Noting the subject of their latest conversation, Kagura had nervously made her way down the hall. She had prepared herself for an angry reprimand, which she was more than willing to meet with her own angry words. It was easy for Kagura to admit that criticism from Sesshoumaru wasn't something that she could take well--

Of course, that is because he criticizes me so often...

She paused in her thought when she heard sounds from the other side of the door--voices, rising higher in pitch as the minutes wore on.

What have we here?

Normally she would have left Sesshoumaru to his own devices for daring to waste her time, but these new developments were giving rise to an urge that was more powerful than Kagura's anger. Curiosity made her lean forward, so far forward, in fact, that Kagura found herself right outside Sesshoumaru's door with one ear pressed against it.

He probably knows I'm doing this right now...

A sense of ease swept through her when she registered that all the voices were male, but she also found herself wondering who had the nerve besides herself to raise their voices to Sesshoumaru.

A low rumble cut the noise in two on the other side of the door. Kagura smirked to herself.

He certainly put a stop to that...

She closed her eyes and attempted to focus all of her senses, cursing the fact that she had no heightened youkai senses that could discern the mumbled noises that reached her ears.

I should be in there...

With extreme trepidation, Kagura wondered why she was putting up with this treatment.

I should leave and make him wait for a change...

-------------------------------------------

"--of course, Sesshoumaru-sama, you must understand that I never meant any offense when I raised my voice earlier..."

Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes at the lesser lord, who was now kneeling and prostrating himself for fear of being killed.

I have no interest in wasting my time with such filth...

Sesshoumaru's eyes rose to regard the heavy doors that guarded entrance to his private chambers. He had no doubt that Kagura had grown tired of waiting, and was now pressed against the doors, trying to discern what was transpiring on the other side.

She has not lost her desire to pry in everyone's affairs but her own.

"Jaken."

The toad youkai quickly jumped to do his lord's bidding, rushing to Sesshoumaru's side.

"Let Kagura in."

The youkai lord at his feet rose his head slightly, no doubt surprised to hear that someone else was waiting to be in Sesshoumaru's presence. The daiyoukai lord was not known for negotiation and rarely interacted with others of his own rank. Sesshoumaru preferred to take what he wanted, and kill those who got in his way.

Jaken scrambled over to the double doors and swung the heavy knob to pry them open. Luckily, Kagura had managed to compose herself before the door was entirely asunder and stood there looking quite attractive with one hand on her hip. The other clutched her fan against her chest. She opened it in one swift motion, waving it back and forth to give herself an indifferent appearance.

Sesshoumaru stared at her for a few seconds before turning back to the prostrated lord and the few others who had gained enough clout to be allowed entrance in his room.

"This is Lady Kagura of the Northern Lands. She will negotiate terms with you for the redesign of the territory's borders."

The lords under Sesshoumaru's direction looked shocked. For a moment, Kagura shared their expressions of befuddlement--before she abruptly turned around and disappeared from sight.

Sesshoumaru watched as Jaken followed after her, closing the doors and shouting that she was "an insipid female" and was "unworthy of his lord's grace". Both comments earned him knots on the head, which inspired the other lords to silence. Sesshoumaru didn't bother to look at them.

"You will remain here." He asserted, and walked out the door to meet Kagura.

She does have a tendency to be a nuisance.

Kagura tensed as the door behind her suddenly came open, bringing with it Sesshoumaru's tall form. The wind youkai feigned indifference.

"Redesigning territories?" Kagura gave him an ugly look, meant to demonstrate her disgust with having been directed to do such a thing.

Sesshoumaru stared at her, unaffected by the offense she was now taking on.

"You have no choice but to do so."

Kagura grimaced.

"Oh really? I don't recall you telling me anything of the sort before. Last time I checked, I won those territories on my own. If those ass holes want some new land, tell them to go f--"

Sesshoumaru's eyes closed in irritation.

"Kagura."

She narrowed her eyes at him and sat back against the door, folding her arms into her sleeves.

"I won't give my land up. I'm strong enough to defend it."

Sesshoumaru didn't answer her.

He doesn't think I can?

"They will kill you without hesitation," Sesshoumaru came around to stand beside her. "They have come here seeking passage to your lands. There are other lords who have already claim Daisetsu's leavings as their own. He has sons who have married and created alliances in other regions."

I shouldn't have to--

"I will not negotiate." Kagura murmured. Then she stood and repeated the same words again, putting all of her strength behind it: "I will not negotiate. If they want new land, they can go to someone else. The Northern territories belong to me now."

Kagura stood up straighter so that she was looking Sesshoumaru straight in the eye. He didn't move.

"In the future, Sesshoumaru_-sama_, consult me before you make any decisions regarding my holdings."

Sesshoumaru rose one eyebrow, giving indication of his surprise. He held Kagura's gaze for a moment before directing her attention towards the door.

"If you believe that you are competent enough to make such decisions, then I will no longer interfere, Kagura."

For some reason she felt her adrenaline rise at the sound of her name. She also noticed that Sesshoumaru was standing very close to her at the moment.

Though not too close for comfort.

"Come," he ordered.

Kagura ground her teeth.

This has to be done, I have to say something...

When she didn't follow him, he turned back to regard her, and this time she noted the subtle change in his expression.

He looks almost--considerate...

"You plan to assert your dominance," Sesshoumaru stepped to the side, giving Kagura room to come astride him. "I will be your ally in this struggle."

"Oh?"

He looked straight ahead, not bothering to respond to Kagura's gentle goading. In a way, she detested the usual grace that came with each of the steps he took. The daiyoukai lord showed no signs of hesitance or fear, he commanded the entire world with every movement of his body. Every breath he took was a sign of his strength.

Kagura found herself feeling slightly in awe of his presence as they came closer to the doors, so that they were mere inches in front of them.

Will I ever be able to command the world the way he does?

Kagura held his silence for a while, absently wondering why he had bothered to create an audience for her with the other lords.

Does he care about the future of the Northern Lands so much?

Sesshoumaru turned slowly to regard her, looking down at her from his great height.

"Do not speak to me as you did earlier today."

Kagura's eyes narrowed.

"I don't think I heard you right--"

He returned her glare.

"Kagura, several of the youkai lords seeking to lay claim to the Northern Territories are behind these doors. At present, I am your only ally in these lands. If you wish to refuse them any part of your lands, then we must present a united front."

If Kagura could have wished herself to the other side of the world at that moment, she would have. _This isn't me, I don't want to deal with lords and their petty problems or worry about why someone is trying to trespass on some stupid tract of land..._

"You are going to stand with me?" Kagura smirked. "Even if it ruins your reputation? I never would have pegged you for a fool, Sesshoumaru."

He stiffened slightly for a moment.

"I told you not to speak to me in that manner."

Kagura clenched her jaw and threw her head back, staring at the ceiling.

What did I do to deserve this?

"Fine," Kagura moved slightly away from the door and sighed. "Are you sure that I need to talk them? I can't just kill them?"

"You have no choice in the matter."

She snorted.

"And I suppose you negotiate terms with other youkai?" Kagura crossed her arms over her chest, clenching her fan with more apprehension than usual. "I won't do it, you know I won't, and if the only reason why you are standing here is because you think I will change my mind--"

"I have accepted your decision." Sesshoumaru glared at her, obviously put off by her stubbornness.

"Well--what if they don't?" Kagura brushed against him gently. "What do you think will happen?"

Sesshoumaru stepped away so he could look into her eyes again.

"You will prepare for war. I trust you have the necessary resources to call on an army?"

"Eh--" She turned to the side, staring at the doors with a sinking feeling in her stomach. "Daisetsu's men--"

"Were fiercely loyal to him and are now dead."

"I'm sure there are some youkai who--"

Kagura thought she heard Sesshoumaru groan in irritation.

"Well," she bit out, "there's always _your_ army--"

"I believe I will refrain from interfering in this case. Especially when the leader of the Northern forces has not demonstrated the strength to govern herself."

Kagura groaned.

"You said you were my ally--"

"Going to war is a...complicated matter."

I might as well try my luck and ask again...

"You're sure that I can't just kill them?"

"I doubt you could, but you are welcome to try."

She turned on him and brought her fan up, holding it mere inches away from his face.

"Well, since we are allies, I doubt that they would shrug at the chance to go against the Lord of the Western Lands..."

Sesshoumaru leaned forward, exuting the obvious.

Of course, no one would dare to go against him...they would probably do anything to avoid it...

After several seconds of silence, he turned his gaze back towards the door, bringing Kagura out of her pointless raging and into the present moment.

She stared after him.

"They are fools, quick-witted, but hardly suited to hold up against someone of your--temper."

Kagura made a sound of irritation.

He ignored her.

Couldn't he have said something nicer?

"It would be best if you said what needed to be said and avoided any other line of conversation. These are lesser lords, but they are powerful enough to be considered."

Kagura nodded, taking his advice without any harsh words or thoughts.

He's helping me.

It seemed like years had passed before he opened the doors again and they were standing side by side, staring ahead at the three youkai lords. Kagura could feel her heart beating rapidly and her palms start to sweat.

Two fat ones, one with a lazy eye--I don't recognize anyone here, there's a skinny one standing over by Sesshoumaru's sword rack. He doesn't look like he's anyone worth effort, but this youki--they are all strong.

She flashed a smirk and raised her head proudly.

Her eyes flicked to Sesshoumaru, who stood at her side.

I've dealt with stronger men.

"I've been told you want to gain footholds in my land."

Silence. Then one of the men scoffed and looked her over with barely a sign of hesitation. Given who her ally was, Kagura was shocked by the reaction.

Sesshoumaru watched her.

She'll cut off his head...

Kagura surprised him, she pointed her fan at the lord instead.

"You--if you have something to say to me, don't stand there hacking up your lungs. Have the courage to say it outright."

Good, Kagura...

"I had heard that Azumamaro gained control of the Northern territories. Am I to believe a simple female killed Daisetsu and defeated his armies?"

Kagura held her tongue.

Think, think before you speak.

"It seems your sources were uninformed," Kagura stalked forward slightly, barely able to curb the urges in her to summon tornados and split her opponent in two.

Sesshoumaru watched her closely.

It would be wise to allow him to speak, to learn what he knows...

"Azumamaro defeated Daisetsu. He died in the process," the lesser lord breathed in a raspy breath and lifted a finger accusatorially. "You are a pretender."

"Really?" Kagura took one step forward, imitating an action she had seen Azumamaro take many times.

Hoping that she was quicker than the older youkai, she swiftly raised her fan and brought it down again, cutting through his finger and sending him back towards the wall. Through the corner of her eye, she saw Sesshoumaru jerk.

I'm doing this my way.

The youkai went for a dagger that he kept on his side, and Kagura grabbed one of his arms and pinned it over his head. She used her fan to force him against the wall, turning him around in the next breath to slip her smaller body behind his. She had no doubt that she wasn't as physically strong as he was, but her powers over the wind were certainly something to contend with. Right now the source of that power was against the youkai lord's throat, digging into it and exerting a dangerous amount of youki.

The other lords gasped, too stunned by Kagura's brazenness to interfere.

Sesshoumaru looked irritated.

What is she thinking?

"It is true," she drawled, pressing her fan against his neck and squeezing his wrist, "that I didn't kill Daisetsu myself, Azumamaro did."

Sesshoumaru glared at her.

Why is she revealing this to them?

"--But," Kagura smacked her fan against the lord's chin, enjoying the way his body revolted against being touched. "I was there when Azumamaro did it; I fought by his side. I also fought by his side in every major campaign he waged, and I won every single one of them with him. Fortunately for me, he's dead."

She hardened her gaze and looked at the other youkai.

"_Un_fortunately for you, everything that he took is now mine."

Kagura pushed the lord away from her with what appeared to be little effort, but Sesshoumaru could tell that she wasn't used to physically handling anyone and was nervous. She hid her emotions easily, raising her fan to chortle in a mocking fashion. The embarrassed youkai fell to the floor and barely managed to scramble to his feet. He instantly reached for his weapon again.

"I can be merciful to you for your offenses, or I can kill you all right now." Grinning evilly, Kagura placed one hand on her hip and smacked her fan against her thigh. "The choice is yours."

Sesshoumaru stepped forward.

"That won't be necessary." He turned to the lords. "I would prefer not to have blood cleaned off of my floors."

He doesn't think I can do it--

"Give her an answer, if Kagura is displeased with it, you can step into the courtyard and wait to be disemboweled there."

He--

Kagura smiled wider, leaning forward and toying with her fan.

The youkai lords hesitated, before one of the fat ones bowed to the floor and slunk out of the door. Behind him followed the other two. The one who lost his finger left last.

Jaken ran after them, calling for servants to come and clean the lord's finger and blood off of the floor.

"That was reckless," Sesshoumaru had one hand on toukijin as he looked Kagura over, who was holding her weapon at the ready.

"I noticed you were prepared to deal with the situation," she lowered her gaze to his sword. "--even if it meant going to war." Kagura tilted her head back haughtily, though she was feeling more frightened than anything else.

"I would not have gone to war."

"You would have killed someone."

"I would have maimed them." Sesshoumaru stepped forward and examined the blood on his floor, furrowing his brow slightly. "This was unnecessary."

"It worked," Kagura retorted.

She gave Sesshoumaru a brilliant smile and walked past him to slump against the wall.

"I told you that I wouldn't give them anything, and I didn't kill anyone in the process."

"They may still declare war."

Kagura shrugged.

That may be...but I would rather...

"If I'm going to do this, I want to do this my way. I won't mince my words or pretend to be something I'm not." She breathed deeply and waved her fan to fill the room with a cool breeze. "If someone wants to take something from me, they will have to do it by force. I won't negotiate with idiots."

Sesshoumaru regarded her coolly, silently impressed with her resilience.

"You may not last." he warned, though his words sounded more like a threat than anything else.

Kagura met his eyes without hesitation.

"I'd rather go down fighting."

Sesshoumaru smirked evilly at her. The change relaxed Kagura a bit, and she lowered her arms.

"It seems that has not changed." He rose his chin slightly. "As usual, you are just as irritating as you are stubborn."

Kagura clenched her fists.

"Are you going to pick fights with me all day?"

Sesshoumaru rose one eyebrow.

"Only if you continue to speak."

You...

She smiled.

"I see--you know, I forgot that we could actually get along, you know, when you aren't so possessive or an asshole..."

A low growl caused Kagura to turn her back on him, hiding her pleasure at his disgruntled mood.

"It looks like I'm not the only one who needs to control their temper," she looked over her shoulder at him and flashed him a grin.

Sesshoumaru's face was expressionless again as he stood next to her, once again unbearably close.

"Why did you tell them about your history with Azumamaro?"

Kagura frowned.

"Changing the subject hmm?" she folded her arms and stepped away from him so that the servants could get by and attend to the mess on the floor. Jaken followed them, screeching orders at the top of his lungs.

Sesshoumaru didn't turn his gaze away.

Kagura shifted from one foot to the other, eventually making her way out of the room and into the hall. The daiyoukai lord followed her with ease, accustomed to her hesitance when he posed a question she did not wish to answer.

"Mentioning Azumamaro seemed--"

Dammit, I'm going to sound sappy, I don't even care about him that much, he was just...

"It seemed right," Kagura turned her face to the side, purposely avoiding Sesshoumaru's gaze.

He frowned.

"They would find out that I was involved with him anyway," Kagura lifted one hand and toyed with her fan, keeping her eyes locked anywhere but on Sesshoumaru's face. "This way I can deal with whatever questions or accusations come up--"

"You may have inspired more lords to consider war, they could band together against you in order to exact revenge."

"I don't care about that." For a moment, Kagura seemed distant. She tapped her fan against her thigh and held her stomach with one hand.

Sesshoumaru watched her with a sense of unease, not knowing what to expect.

"Someone is always going to want revenge--I've dealt with plenty of youkai who want to kill me for something Naraku did to them over 60 years ago." Kagura shrugged and lifted her head high, smirking to herself in the process.

"True," Sesshoumaru watched her intently.

Kagura fidgeted slightly under his gaze.

"Why are you staring at me?" She asked.

Sesshoumaru didn't answer her, he simply turned away and looked at the wall.

"Does it make you uncomfortable?"

Kagura could feel her heart pounding in her chest and tried to stand up straight without any sign of distress.

"As if anything you do could ever unnerve me," she rolled her eyes to emphasize her point, and Sesshoumaru responded with a slight nod.

"You are one of the few youkai foolish and irritating enough to test my patience. I have yet to kill you."

Kagura snorted.

"I could say the same to you--you are the only man since Naraku to think he has the authority to order me around."

"I had that authority when you were still under Naraku's control." Sesshoumaru pointed out, with what Kagura thought was too much glee.

Talking like this now, I want to ask him, about what Akina and Gin said...

"Sesshoumaru--"

He turned his head slightly to regard her.

"Your servants--Akina and Gin--"

With him looking at me right now...

Kagura cursed herself for not being able to go further.

What's wrong with me, I'm never like this--I can't even speak...

"They were helpful," she sighed heavily, trying to keep her composure. "I would like to use them for as long as I am here."

Sesshoumaru looked at her blandly.

Obviously he thought there was something more going on.

"Very well." He held her gaze for a moment before turning to walk away.

Kagura leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes.

A harem...I have to know the truth...I have to ask him...

She lowered her brow slightly, frustrated at her own weakness and fear.

This isn't me, I never hesitate...if he has one, I deserve to know! I deserve to yell at him and demand that he--

Kagura took in one shaky breath, letting her eyes fall open and her senses return to her.

Sesshoumaru is perceptive...he knows that something is going on, and he will eventually ask me what it is.

She turned her eyes up to watch his retreating figure, which was almost out of view.

Then I can ask.

Kagura took in another deep breath and convinced herself that was fine.


	9. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 9

Title: Illusions of My Memories  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world. 

**Author's Notes:** As usual, italics denote thoughts/flashbacks. 

"You know, I didn't really want you two, so just go out in that little room there and bring me something to drink. Then go get killed somewhere," Kagura waved her hand dismissively at Akina and Gin, who immediatly slipped out the door to do as they were told. 

_I need a drink, a good, stiff drink..._

She glanced over at the bed and sighed, wishing that Azumamaro were there. 

_A drinking partner would be nice right about now..._

Kagura fell back and strecthed herself out across her bed, lifting her arms over her head. She played with her fan for a while before her ears registered the return of Gin and Akina, woh promptly put her sake down and disappeared back into the night. Kagura would have been pleased with that, if not for the fact that a certain youkai lord had followed them on their way in. 

Sesshoumaru stood at the foot of her bed for a few minutes before he promptly retrieved the sake and turned back towards the door. Kagura furrowed her brow. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she sat up a bit so that she could see his shadowy figure in the doorway. 

Sesshoumaru simply handed the flask over to Akina and Gin, who stood beyond view and promptly accepted it. 

"You will speak outright to me," his eyes narrowed slightly, and Kagura thought she saw a dim light in them. 

A buzzing feeling swept through her body and she sat up on her thighs, gripping the fabric of her kimono. 

"Will I?" 

She was as cool as ever. 

_If only I could see him..._

Kagura had not given much thought to how good she'd gotten at reading Sesshoumaru. The slight tense of his back, the lean of his head--she could easily tell when his temper was driving him and he was beyond the point of negotiation. In the thick darkness she could barely discern his face. 

_Just when I need to know what he is thinking..._

"Are you attempting to read me?" 

The question shocked her, causing her to sit back and re-organize her thoughts. 

"I always am." She blurted out, proud of the edge that had seeped into her voice. He had caught her off guard, but he certainly wasn't in control. 

Sesshoumaru's jaw clenched. Kagura felt a shiver run through her spine. 

Something in the room had changed; a splintering tension had developed between the two of them, cutting off her thoughts and leaving her exposed to the more experienced daiyoukai. 

"I was told something interesting the other day," Kagura flexed her fan, thankful for the familiar comfort it offered her. 

_If he doesn't want me to wait for the right moment, I have no problem throwing this in his face now..._

Kagura leaned forward, forcing a smile. She was sure that if she couldn't see him the dark, it didn't mean that he couldn't see her. She clicked her tongue and fanned herself, wishing for the sake she had been robbed of. 

"It seems you have something that you were hiding from me?" 

His eyes narrowed even further. 

"Hiding?" 

The contempt in his voice was clear. Kagura could feel his anger, radiating off of him and cutting into her skin. 

The foolish shyness she felt earlier was gone. She was no longer affected by her peurile emotions and silly whims. The feelings that filled her now were a mix of anger and fear, and suddenly she wasn't sure why she had begun this line of conversation in the first place, or if she even had. Her face felt hot, and she wanted to leave the room. 

Real fear struck her. 

_He'll kill me..._

Kagura couldn't help but to ask. 

_I wouldn't be me if I didn't._

She cocked one eyebrow and tilted her chin up haughtily. 

"Just how much of a man are you anyway?" 

He seemed to be unusually angered by this remark, and Kagura felt the vibration of a low growl. Her stomach turned just slightly. 

"Aren't you going to answer me?" Kagura moved off of the bed, edging close to the window in her room in case she needed to throw herself out of it. Treading on dangerous ground was an understatement. 

"Are you afraid, Kagura?" 

She stiffened at the amusement in his voice. 

_I could swear he's making fun of me..._

"Of course not." 

He seemed to be focusing on the window, and Kagura knew his thoughts mirrored her own. 

"I would kill you before you made the attempt." 

The statement chilled her. 

"Is that a threat?" 

He didn't answer, he simply remained standing in the doorway, observing her with the same restrained amusement. Kagura stared into the darkness for a few minutes, willing herself to think but finding the task very difficult. She knew his eyes were boring into her skin, seeing through her petty disguises. 

"You have a harem!" The words came out of her so quickly, Kagura barely realized she was saying them. The instant they left her mouth, she regretted forming them in her head. 

Sesshoumaru moved to the side, coming into the room and pulling the door closed behind him. Kagura twitched slightly, wondering if she should fly out of the window before he was any closer to her. 

"I see." 

His voice was as bland as usual, and he seemed unimpressed with the accusation as he rounded the bed. Kagura watched as he sat down on the edge of it, revealing the disinterested expression that lay on his face. 

_He actually looks annoyed..._

"Why would I hide a harem?" 

His voice was laden with the authority that she was accustomed to associating with him. 

"How the fuck should I know?" Kagura turned an angry glare on him. "Why didn't you tell me you had this huge palace--or whatever the hell it is--or underlings besides that toad, or virginal female serving girls to wait on you whenever you liked?" 

Kagura folded her arms and sneered. 

"I'll tell you why--because you're a male, and you knew that I wouldn't rely on you if I knew!" 

"Why would I assume that?" 

Kagura's mouth flew open again, but she quickly stopped herself from going any further in her rant. Anything more than what she said might prove incriminating. To compensate for this, she settled on cursing the youkai lord, his demon heritage, and demanding to know why he, and every other male in existence felt the need to augment their male prowess with willing, idiotic females. 

Sesshoumaru listened to her for about three minutes before he cut her off. 

"Silence." 

"Don't tell me to--" 

He glared at her. 

"My personal affairs are none of your concern," he stood and Kagura felt him move against her so that she was pressed against the wall. 

In a very short time, her back was against wood and her head was tilted upwards so that she wouldn't be smothered against his chest. Kagura turned her face to the side and felt his hot breath on her cheek. 

"I have better things to do then spend my time organizing something so base as a harem. If I have need of a female, I will take her." 

Kagura held her breath as he moved away from her, taking some of the animosity between them with him. She closed her eyes slightly and felt sweat beading on her brow. 

_I was scared...I was actually scared..._

She narrowed her eyes at him. 

"Like me?" 

Sesshoumaru turned around, regarding her out of the corner of his eye. 

"Yes." 

_Suddenly I don't feel so well..._

"You bastard," she muttered, and promptly sank back against the wall. Her fingers were digging into the wood and she was losing control of herself. Her mind swam. 

"You seem surprised," Sesshoumaru's voice lowered slightly. "Did you think you meant something more?" 

_Ass hole, son of a bitch, bastard, bastard, bastard, BASTARD!_

Kagura brought her fan up, ready to bring forth an attack. She saw Sesshoumaru move to the side, no doubt ready to parry it. She wondered if her pride was worth her death. She had no doubt that Sesshoumaru was wondering the same thing. Would she throw away her life for her own twisted sense of honor? 

Exercising every ounce of self control she posessed, Kagura snapped her fan shut and threw it on the bed, determined not to use it. 

"Huh...so you do have some sense." 

Kagura exhaled a shaky breath. 

"Apparently," she crossed her arms over her chest again, furious at the ease she had felt with him earlier. 

The room went quiet again and the buzzing returned. Kagura wished Sesshoumaru would find his way out of her room so that she could make preparations to leave. However, he was conveniently standing in her path, between the door and the bed--and she couldn't help but think it was intentional. 

"So you used me?" she asked, trying to sound as dry and casual as usual. 

"I seem to recall you enjoying it." 

Kagura snorted. 

"Not the first few times," she smirked as he shifted slightly. "It felt like you were poking me." 

He made a sound of disbelief and she rolled her eyes, completely caught unawares by the sudden feeling of mirth that overtook her. 

"...You were always eager." He countered. 

"Are you sure you weren't imagining things?" Kagura found herself moving towards the bed and sat down on it, gazing up at him with an annoying smile on her face. 

"Yes." Sesshoumaru regarded her icily, obviously set in his opinion. 

"This isn't an ego, thing, is it?" 

He didn't answer her. 

"Sesshoumaru," she listened to the silence again before continuing on. "I don't appreciate being used, whether it was ten years ago or 60. If you do it again, I won't hold myself back." 

He inclined his head slightly. 

"I wouldn't expect you to." 

"Good..." Kagura walked over to the bed and leaned against it, ready to throw herself back onto the sheets. "You can get out now." 

He didn't say anything, he simply stood there. 

_Probably just to spite me..._

"Do not direct me." 

Kagura threw her hands over her face in mock concern. 

"Are you done pissing on your territory now?" 

"Kagura." 

She balled her fists against her sides. 

"Tomorrow, you will patrol your territory." 

"The fuck I will--" 

"You have no choice in the matter." He slid the door open and took one step forward, pausing before he entered the hall. "You are no longer welcome here." 

Kagura's eyes narrowed, and she found herself staring into the back of Sesshoumaru's skull. Her breathing quickened. 

"Why?" 

Sesshoumaru began to push the door closed, and she jumped to feet and pressed herself between him and the door. He lifted an eyebrow at her, obviously annoyed. 

"Dammit, _tell me_. Did I hurt your pride that much?" 

"This has nothing to do with you." 

"Oh?" 

After staring at her for a few minutes, Sesshoumaru easily reached forward to take hold of her arm. Before Kagura could figure out what he was doing, he lifted her and tossed her out of the way. The physical extraction had not caused her any injury, but her pride was definately hurt. This time Sesshoumaru didn't grace her with an obnoxious smirk. 

"It is your duty. You have made demands and now you must enforce them." He furrowed his brow slightly. "It is no longer in my interest to keep you here." 

Livid, Kagura rose to her feet again. She charged forward and stopped short of his imposing figure. 

"I was only here _for a day_." She placed both hands on her hips and leaned forward with an ugly sneer on her face. "Do you really think we're finished here, or are you just finding a convenient excuse to get rid of me?" 

Annoyed, and more than a little frustrated, Sesshoumaru set his jaw and glared down at her. 

"I am beginning to think it is the latter." 

Kagura returned his icy stare. 

"I can't believe I forgot what an asshole you are--first you threaten me, and now you throw me out--" 

"Kagura, if you are so eager to stay--" 

"I'm not!" 

"Then get out." Sesshoumaru turned his back on her and shut the door behind him. 

Furious and shaking, Kagura grabbed hold of the door and slid it open. She stood in the darkness waiting for her courage to come back to her. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she could feel her throat tightening with anger. With stern resolve, she stepped out into the hallway and yelled: 

"Don't you _dare_ order me around!" 

Sesshoumaru did not hear her. He had long-since returned to his chambers. 

Trying her best to maintain her composure, Kagura stomped back into her temporary chambers and slammed the door shut. 

_He drives me crazy..._

She brought her hands to her face and combed them through her hair. 

_Why does he have so much control over how I feel?_

Even when she had been forced to serve Naraku, she had felt some kind of connection to him. Kagura had been attracted to his power, and intrigued by the possibility that he could be the one to end Naraku's life. Inuyasha and the miko that her Creator feared had been the ones to deal the final blow--but Sesshoumaru had played a vital role in her own survival. She had always believed that in exchange for her unsolicited help, he had been the one to leave the jar that contained her heart intact. 

_Without him I would never have been able to attain my true freedom..._

She didn't bother to remember the pain that his rejections had caused her. Kagura wasn't foolish enough to think of Sesshoumaru as some magnanimous being of power, willing to separate heaven and earth for her sake. 

_But there were times when I thought very highly of him--I felt so much--esteem--for his sake, that I allowed myself to believe that he had come to save me..._

She sat down on her bed and began to remove her kimono, running her fingers over the soft silk. One hand traveled up to her neck and landed on her face, carressing the spot where he had breathed on her. 

_Sesshoumaru..._

She smirked. He was always so close, and yet so far away. 

_Even when he was inside of me, I could never really feel near to him. He tore me apart with his words, he scrutinized my every word and stripped everything I had away...he made me experience feelings and emotions that I never thought were possible..._

When Sesshoumaru demanded her respect and asserted his dominance, Kagura did not feel fear alone. 

_There was something more..._

'Something more,' the same thoughts plagued Sesshoumaru's mind as he reflected on Kagura's accusation and the ensuing argument. What was this thing that existed between them? He had brought Kagura back with him with the intention of cementing his influence in the northern territories. With Daisetsu gone, he could eliminate all possibilities of future threats. Of course, this was only if he had someone who was strong enough to head the challenge, yet pliant enough to bend to his will. Azumamaro and Kagura's foolishness had unwittingly paved the way for his own success. He was free to expand his realm beyond the wilderness and into the the rich outposts of the Black Valleys. He was free to do all of this without bloody conflict and a loss to his own forces. 

However, Kagura was becoming a much different creature than he had anticipated. He had been wrong about her. It was true that she was still just as willful and unbiddable as she had been when they parted, but she was hardly the eager-to-please female of the past. Back then, she had stood against him with her own will, but always with a nagging in the back of her mind. She had a falter in her step; she had inclined her head politely to him too many times and envied his beauty and power to the point of physical desire. Her haughty attitude and presumptions had allowed him free-reign over her body, and she had given into him with the eager curiousity of a sharp-tongued virgin. 

Now she resisted his orders and balked at his advice. She was even hesitant with her body, and appeared to abhor any close space with him. At first it had amused him--but this recent curiousity over rumors of a "harem" had caused him to lose all sense of congeniality. 

The change of air between them and Kagura's comfortable sense of superiority gave birth to the evil wit that often nipped at the heels of Sesshoumaru's patience and baited his body into coming near hers. When he was with her, he not only felt the need to remind her of his higher social status, but his physical superiority as well. 

_Without a reminder, she would surely forget._

He narrowed his eyes slightly and glared into the dark. It would be hours until sunrise, and he wasn't sure that he would be able to sleep. 

His mind would not let him rest.


	10. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 10

Title: **Illusions of My Memories**  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R for violence, bad language, and some sexual content  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world. 

**Author's Notes:** Italics denote the thoughts of characters. 

The Northern Lands was the general name for a vast amount of territory that stretched across the mountains of Paektu and into the valleys of the great lakes, but Kagura easily discovered that this was not the case. Daisetsu's territory really encompassed a sparse wilderness and several convenient forts that were built on some of the highest points of Edo. For a better word, the world that Azumamaro had fought to make his own was little more than a backwards society full of ancient youkai. Many of these boastful lords had never found themselves subject to a higher ruler. Daisetsu had merely demanded respect from them, and in return he kept soldiers in the forts and occassionally descended from the mountains to scout the region. 

Kagura was dismayed to find that lore was what kept his empire afloat. 

_Azumamaro is starting to look less and less impressive. Daisetsu's armies and his supposed 'treasures' were really just the product of imagination._

Since the lord had ruled long before Sesshoumaru had come into existence, Kagura wondered if anyone really knew his true strength. 

_Sesshoumaru wouldn't have let his empire stand if he knew..._

Growing weary of the endless travel and sparse landscape, Kagura threw herself down on the ground and stared off into the distance. 

She had inherited a wasteland. 

If Azumamaro were still alive, she would have killed him for duping her into helping him establish a monarchy in such a lousy region. He was suddenly becoming less and less impressive with every memory she conjured up of him. 

_He was so certain...he was so boastful and arrogant..._

Kagura pressed her fingers against her temples and tried to assuage the impending headache. She had always thought of herself as an expert at picking out the weak and the strong--she had found Sesshoumaru easily enough, and Azumamaro had all the right attributes. He was handsome, arrogant to a fault, and blood thirsty enough to show his worth in any fight. 

_Strength has nothing to do with brains..._

Kagura chided herself as she rose to her feet, easily creating a giant feather to ferry her over the skies. The wind caught her body and pushed her vessel up through the clouds, sending her forward with amazing speed. One of Daisetsu's fortresses wasn't far off, and Kagura guessed it would be in her best interests to inspect it. 

_I should just leave here and tell Sesshoumaru to go fu--_

Kagura gasped as a gale tore through the right side of her feather and pushed her backwards. She reached for her fan and easily created a whirlwind to counteract the force, but without her feather intact she would have to land. 

_Artificial winds..._

Kagura was familiar enough with her most trusted weapon to know when it was being used against her. As she came closer to the earth, she sensed powerful youki stirring below her and-- 

"Sesshoumaru!" she called out to him as she descended to the earth and slid along the rocky walls of the tremendous fortress. 

He barely turned to look at her. 

Apparently something within the stony walls had caught his attention. Kagura watched as he discerned a sound that only he could hear, and promptly brought his blade down, creating an arc of green energy that sliced into the darkness, bringing an acrid cry forth. A bleeding behemoth emerged, charging towards them both. Kagura brought her fan up in defense as a powerful gust bombarded her body. Making a sound of irritation, she flexed her wrist to the side and dissipated the feeble attack. Her own powers were more than enough to dispell the attacks of the weakened youkai. Sesshoumaru dealt the final blow, separating the beast's head from the rest of its body. 

It groaned in protest as its blood churned forth, creating a thick layer of ichor on the ground. Kagura wrinkled her nose. 

"I hope you're planning on cleaning that up," she crossed her arms over her chest and he regarded her out of the corner of his eye. "Did you come here because you were worried about me?" 

Sesshoumaru didn't respond. Kagura stepped forward, intending to look into his eyes. 

"Hey, what are you--" 

He was gone. 

Kagura felt another burst of wind hit her and stumbled backwards, glancing around. The powerful youki she had sensed earlier was gone. Stealing herself against the implications of the situation, she glanced down at the dead youkai. 

_Was it possible that I imagined the entire thing?_

"Who the hell are you talking to?" 

Kagura stiffened slightly. 

_That voice..._

"Azumamaro?" 

He smiled at her through the darkness. She narrowed her eyes, discerning the pale white face and the scars that she had seen on his body after his death. One of his arms was missing. 

"What the hell is going on here?" Kagura took a step back and reached for one of her feathers, preparing to create an escape. 

The image of his dead face flickered slightly, and she watched as it faded away. Kagura froze. She breathed in deeply, concentrating on her powers. 

_I've dealt with this before..._

Once, when running an errand for Naraku, Kagura had been attacked by youkai that used the power of illusion to defeat their opponents. They drew on their enemies' most recent memories and attempted to draw them into a deadly mistake. 

When she had seen Sesshoumaru earlier, it was likely her own mind, working against theirs. 

"So, you don't like your new ruler, do you?" She laughed, lifting her fan to summon her strongest attack. "Then you can die here with your friend." She twisted her wrist slightly and slowly twirled a tornado into existence. "NOW GO TO HELL!" 

The deadly spiral tore through stone and earth, ripping apart flesh and scattering the last of Daisetsu's subjects. Kagura watched as they screamed curses and lost their limbs to the expanding forces. 

As the winds dissipated and the fortress crumbled to the ground, Kagura shook her head at the futility. 

"Honestly, I don' t have time to waste with idiots." 

------------------------------------------------------ 

Rin's shrine wasn't too far away from Kagura's borders. Sesshoumaru listened as Jaken prattled on about his responsibilities, allowing the lesser youkai to believe their journey was because of official business. Truthfully, Sesshoumaru was more concerned with making sure that Kagura was doing as she was told and visiting Rin's shrine. He easily picked up her scent and stopped walking to wait until she intercepted him. 

_I smell blood..._

He lifted his head to watch Kagura descend from the skies. His powerful youki must have attracted her. 

"Are you a mirage, or are you real?" Kagura laughed lightly as she fanned herself. 

Sesshoumaru's expression didn't change. She looked down at Jaken and shook her head. 

"You must be real, I never would have imagined _that_ thing." 

Jaken made a sound of indignation, and Sesshoumaru lifted his head slightly in interest. 

"You were fighting Daisetsu's fortress guards?" 

She clenched her fists. 

"Yes--why didn't you bother to tell me about them?" 

Sesshoumaru turned slightly, intending to walk away. 

"If you could not deal with them, then you would not deserve your position." 

"Oh?" Kagura snorted. "Speaking of that position, I don't want it." 

"This again," Sesshoumaru began walking, allowing Kagura to trail behind him and argue. 

"What do you mean--you never told me this place was so--horrible," she came astride him and smacked her fan against her palm for emphasis. "Daisetsu ruled an empire full of idiots! The youkai here are backward--and everywhere I go, I get attacked by his stupid subjects!" 

"I dealt with similar circumstances when I received my father's territories." Sesshoumaru sounded unimpressed as he took stock of her situation. "I will not argue with you any longer. If you are not strong enough to take on this task--" 

"I never said that!" 

Sesshoumaru simply nodded and continued on. Kagura glanced at him. 

"Hey," she murmured, leaning slightly to the side. Jaken muttered something under his breath. "Where are you going?" 

"Away." 

"I see..." 

"Kagura." Sesshoumaru didn't bother to look at her. "Stop it." 

She grinned at his reaction. He was obviously doing something he didn't want her to know about. 

"Sesshou--" 

"Rin." he stated, and Kagura shifted slightly. He lowered his gaze to meet hers. "I am going to her shrine." 

Jaken sputtered some disrespectful slur of curses and was promptly reprimanded for it. Kagura was too smart to comment. 

Instead, the two youkai lords continued towards the mountains. 

Rin was a subject that Sesshoumaru was rarely willing to discuss, his simple admittance of her memory was enough to satisfy Kagura's curiosity. If he was willing to have her along, then she was all the more intrigued. 

The last time he had allowed her to visit Rin's shrine with him, she had not been privy to the journey beforehand. They had simply arrived at a simple monument where Sesshoumaru held a silent vigil for a few hours. His behavior was awkward and she didn't bother to comment. Jaken had been the one to reveal the truth. 

All of their arguments had been forgotten. For the moment, Kagura was simply basking in the dimming glow of his acceptance.


	11. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 11

Title: **Illusions of My Memories**  
Author: SavingRain  
Rating: R for violence, bad language, and some sexual content  
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.

**Author's Notes:** Italics denote the thoughts of characters.

It wasn't long before Kagura realized just how unfulfilling a dimming glow of acceptance could be. Dragging her feet behind her, she wiped the sweat from her brow and lifted her fan again, prepared to repel yet another youkai attack.

Daisetsu's armies were relentless; they charged over hills, out of craggy rocks, and through swamps to get to her, and she was finding the task of keeping them at bay increasingly difficult. She would have thrown her hands up in dismay and left the youkai to themselves if Sesshoumaru were not there watching over her.

_Watching over me..._

The idea was ludicrous, because he was not doing anything of the sort. The aged daiyoukai lord was much more comfortable _watching _her as she nearly killed herself. His stone-faced expression flicked over her briefly before journeying onward. As she watched him disappear over the rise, Kagura thought bitterly of how much she would give for an indication of what he was thinking, because for once she found herself incapable of reading his mind or determining his actions. They had never been in this type of situation before; atleast she could remember being attacked and his prompt interference in the situation. His half-hearted justifications for his past actions were starting to appear quite solid. The realization that she was just another youkai, and now a lord, subject to defending her territory, left her as lesser in his eyes. It was a strange shift of power. Holding a higher status meant that she was now obligated to justify that status. Justification could only be made by one person, and that was her. As the sun set again and she pulled her fist out of the bloody chest cavity of yet another fallen warrior, she realized that her relationship with him had changed again in little over a night.

He refused to regard her with his normal nonchalant indifference. Instead, he tested her with an icy gaze and a firm stance. He refused to sway from where he stood, or stray from his path. His sheer lack of concern for her well-being infuriated her. Sesshoumaru's golden orbs pierced through her body, judging her as one would a piece of meat. She no longer had the liberty of wondering whether or not he was looking at more than her; as his eyes swept over her bloody kimono and tangled hair, she was certain that he was comparing her skills to his own superior abilities. Kagura already knew that next to the Dog Lord she was but a shadow of power, and like most youkai, she could never hope to rise to his level of strength. In order to do so, she would have to survive longer and endure more than most youkai were willing to face. Kagura had surmised long ago that somewhere in Sesshoumaru's great lineage, one dog had decided to be more than the others. He had descended from the mountains to lay waste to the lands below. Hundreds of years before Sesshoumaru's father was even born, he ripped his enemies in two, and rutted with youkai women until his offspring's blood ran with gold. Kagura had reasoned this because she was aware that power like Sesshoumaru's did not rise over night. His father's skill and strength had to stem from some great transition in his past. Some crafty youkai had pushed aside the others and cemented himself as the sovereign. The new ruler of the Northern Lands was certain that this was due to intuition and some trace of high-bred female youkai blood, which his father probably channeled into his son, by plucking from among the country's finest females and screwing them senseless until an heir was born. Kagura did not have that liberty. She was not a man, she was a woman thrust full-grown from the belly of a hanyou with a narcissist complex and a craving for the slaughter of others. Her only hope in the world was that she could fight long and hard, and someone would be stupid or kind enough to put up with her or slip up so that she could gut them out.

_I was fortunate to find Azumamaro...stupid, rash, Azumamaro, reckless beyond reason..._

Kagura snapped her fan up, bating the remaining contenders for power into coming against her. In her spare time to think, she regretted threatening Sesshoumaru's visiting lesser lords, who could probably stand here with her.

_Even if they can't fight, a wall of flesh between I and my attackers would be wonderful treat right now._

Twirling her fan up in a circle and calling out her mighty forces, Kagura shook the unnecessary thoughts from her head. No lords would help her fight. She was doomed to do this herself, and it frustrated her, because she was staring down the face of death, and dancing on the edge of its jaw.

Kagura was sure that Sesshoumaru misunderstood the reasons why she had chosen Azumamaro. In all honesty, she had learned in the past that allying herself with someone of the Dog Lord's caliber was not in her best interest. Sesshoumaru was calm, collected, and he took the time to think. Kagura didn't have time for men who took their time to consider actions with their heads. Therefore, she had bound herself to Azumamaro, who was stupid and rash, and willing to take risks where others would not. These were the reasons that Sesshoumaru had found to detest him, and the reasons that Kagura knew her choice was right. She was a stupid and a rash risk. As Naraku's offspring, she was capable of looking at this with an honest eye. It was not something to be pitied, it was something to be accepted with all of the eagerness that any wise man would give to Confucious or bathe his sons in every night. Kagura was a risk by nature of what she was, as a child of Naraku, she would never be welcome until his name was forgotten.

Naraku's name was one that would live on. To Kagura, this was much worse than the memory, for it gave life to the lore that turned youkai against her and stained her dreams at night. She was accustomed to sleeplessness and random attacks at the hands of demons, bent on wiping the last of Naraku's vestiges off of the face of the earth. However, these attacks on her, which came daily and nightly, in the name of bloodlust and glory, were made by demons who could care less where she came from. The beasts who carved their way toward her heart had never heard of Naraku as they endured eternity inside of their small pits and smelly caves. They came calling because they lived for Daisetsu's name, and to see her dead. It seemed that she could not escape the waiting hands of death, because they refused to wait and reached greedily for her, dragging her kicking and screaming towards the end. No matter where she went or what she did, she would always be running. The only thing that stopped running was power, and the wind-user craved it badly now, she tasted it like a starving man tastes bread. It was a wet and eager hunger, painful with the blight of selfishness--a doomed fool's race. Even so, Kagura could not simply cast away the life that she had fought for for so long.

As she created another whirlwind, demolishing her enemies in a wave of blood and gore, she lowered her eyes to Sesshoumaru's back, which was quickly disappearing again in the growing night.

_Power ties you down, Naraku is the perfect reminder of what it can do to you. He made himself so dangerous that he could not afford to live without it._

Kagura cursed the irony as she realized that she was in the same position, and the only one who could save her from this endless fighting would always refuse. She wasn't looking to be saved like before, but like anyone, she felt a weakness within her. It nagged at her when she was at her lowest point and could see no way to save herself. It was a loathed part of her mind that pitted itself against her will and her body. It was a sick feeling, because it held a nastalgia to it that was almost human in nature.

A daiyoukai had no reason to feel such things. Sesshoumaru was far more powerful and capable. He easily defeated his enemies, and compared to Kagura, he was sharper and quicker in tongue and in thought. He turned away from her constantly, even as her attempts to solidify her reign forced memories to surface within him; the great lord lowered his brow slightly at the wayward thoughts.

After his father's death, their enemies had clamored to proclaim their glory, claiming that there was no title to the lands that he had one, and there was no heir worthy enough to fight for it.

With a mighty howl, Sesshoumaru had snuffed out their life.

The imposing youkai who threatened him had never made him struggle the way Kagura was struggling now, but he could remember the destruction, the stress, and the insult that followed with the challenges to his name. He had rarely found himself at peace.

The wind swelled with the strength of Kagura's vigor, pulling at him and reminding him of her easy commands of the element. A sharp gust alerted him to her presence as she neared him, only to be held back again by another marauding youkai. Fixed on the dark memories, Sesshoumaru dented his brow slightly, a movement that was imperceptible to anyone in the coming darkness. He turned his back on Kagura again and proceeded forward, listening to her cry out attacks and curse him simultaneously.

He would not fight her battles for her. For nearly a century, this had not changed. Sesshoumaru saw no reason to change now. He was confident that Kagura would recover from her bruises and find her way to him again. With some annoyance, he realized that she always did.

After a few moments of peace and quiet, he wasn't surprised to see her descending from her feather on wounded legs and attacking him with her strident cries.

"You fucking asshole--" Kagura breathed in deeply, barely managing to settle herself.

The other regarded her with an arched eyebrow before brushing past her to continue on his journey.

"What the hell--Sesshoumaru!" Kagura charged after him, waving her fan for emphasis and blowing a gust of wind his way.

He closed his eyes slightly in irritation, wondering if his desire to aqcuire more power was worth bargaining with Kagura. It was true that her presence in the Northern Lands would allow him some freedom in the utilization of his troops--the growing mass of humans would have to be subdued at some point, and the land that he pawned off to Kagura might prove useful. The only drawback to aqcuiring it himself was the direct insult to his name--the barren Northern Lands were rife with undisciplined, primal youkai that would attack him endlessly in the name of fallen Lords and lost causes. He knew he would find no rest if he were to take on the simple task of expanding his territory directly--thus, allowing Kagura to take hold of it, dig her nails into it, and tear out the fetishes of times past, was a welcome idea. Why should he dirty his hands and subsequently, his father's, by declaring himself master of a region that his ancestors had deemed unworthy of conquering long ago? The thought disgusted him.

Kagura could monopolize the territory, and then he, Sesshoumaru, the great Dog Lord and Lord of the Western Lands, would set his own forces to work in selected regions, planting an army that would expand into the east and destroy the youkai who amassed there. As the offensive words left Kagura's mouth again, and she thrust her face into his, he found himself coming to terms with one important fact: there was an excellent chance that Kagura would fight him on letting his forces in. With her cantankerous nature it was not presumptious to assume that she could adopt some silly idea that it would be in her favor to oppose him. He watched her lift her fan up threateningly, but not daring to bring it close to his face, she twisted her lips in an ugly fashion and shook her head. No, it was not difficult to imagine that same, defiant face, hot with anger, and throwing her life away over a trivial cause. If she opposed him...

_I would kill her._

His thoughts paused with that statement, and his eyes narrowed slightly as she moved her body away from his, pacing back and forth and kicking his servant in the process. Jaken yelled some protest and lifted Nintoujou threateningly, only to disappear behind his Lord's icy gaze. Killing Kagura was something that he had contemplated before, but only idily--with his position he was comfortable with cleaving off his enemies' heads. When she tried to convince him to challenge Naraku for her, he had considered it on the spot. However, there was something about her that prevented him from acting on that front. The first reason, which Sesshoumaru was certain of, was that she was beneath his contemption and thus beneath raising his hand or Toukijin in the name of killing. She was too willfull an opponent, and a woman, much less...and certainly not a warrior worthy enough of merit to die at his hand. The second reason was that Rin, for all of her human faults, had some affinity for the creature. Despite his ward's death, Sesshoumaru saw no reason to go against her feelings, because they were usually right, and led him to great victories. The third reason was, strangely, and much to his consternation, something completely alien to the others.

The third reason was not a matter of status or allegiances, it was because of his former relationship with the woman. By herself, Kagura was insignificant. In leiu of their past associations, she was much more. She had been allowed into his confidences in a way that an enemy should not be allowed. Sesshoumaru had no desire to look foolish for killing a past lover before other youkai. As he reminded himself that he did not care what anyone else thought, it became painfully obvious that he _did_ care what _he_ thought. It was a dreadful thing to misjudge the character of a female who shared your bed--the idea of her raising a violent hand against him was disgraceful.

Still, the thought rang in his mind: he would kill her, if he had to.

His eyes followed her as she came astride him, continuing her tirade and stepping on Jaken in the process.

As he watched her limbs flail about in vain anger, the thought came to him again. It frustrated him. Why did she have to be so willful? Why could she not submit to his authority and still her tongue? Stopping short, he fixed an angry glare on her, and finding her now silenced, continued onward. As he suspected, the silence was short-lived.

"I didn't think," Kagura prodded, a few minutes later when they had cleared the forests and descended into another barren valley, "that you would simply let me be attacked."

Sesshoumaru didn't respond.

Kagura frowned, trying another angle.

"Look, I know that you don't want to get involved with my personal battles," she stared at his face for a while, studying the stony mask. "Don't you think it's a little insulting that youkai are attacking me--when they know I'm traveling with you?"

He paused slightly, fixing her with a steady gaze. Jaken came to a stop behind them, studying them both with the childlike wonder that he had turned to lately--eversince his lord had taken to spending his time with loud-mouthed females. Their interaction baffled him.

"They are not attacking me."

"Yes, but--"

"You are not under my protection."

"Of course not--"

"Kagura," his face was serious, and then changed slightly, edging up into that dark dangerous smile that was rarely seen on his features, one that Jaken had been accustomed to before Inuyasha had taken his master's arm, and had only emerged long after Rin's death, when Kagura had taken to visiting them.

It still sent chills down his spine.

Kagura only held an annoyed look on her face, pitying herself and anyone else who would have the blessing of putting up with such an arrogant bastard.

"Are you saying you want this Sesshoumaru to protect you?"

Jaken laughed, Kagura snorted. She kicked Jaken to the side for good measure. He protested by wacking her with Nintoujou, which she took from him and threw to the side. Sesshoumaru watched them with an amused indifference, wondering again why she couldn't just dissolve into the air somewhere and return when he felt it necessary. Of course, she could not. Such an action did not become her.

"You fucking asshole--" Kagura inched closer to his face again, wacking her fan against her thigh and leaving Jaken disillusioned and upset at the sudden loss of his staff.

"Then cease this questioning." his voice was thunderous, and the earlier vacant expression returned, showing that he was not at ease with her questioning or insinuations, and certainly didn't appreciate them.

It was a clear indication that he was very close to losing his temper. Kagura flipped up her chin defiantly, uncaring of his moods or his boundaries.

"Don't dictate to me, you son of a bitch!" her fan came up and snapped at her side, flying to her face to shield her grin.

_It's true, after all..._

Sesshoumaru didn't look pleased, he simply ignored her. Jaken began to scream curses at her again.

"You have some nerve watching these youkai come after me and standing there like a fucking zombie!" she circled him, and Sesshoumaru finally stopped walking to stare straight ahead.

Jaken stiffened.

Sesshoumaru turned his gaze towards his servant, and with one smooth gesture grabbed the creature by the throat and threw him away. The unsuspecting youkai cried out in surprise, mortified at his lord's sudden turn to anger, and the fact that this same anger was being used against him. The poor beast tumbled over the treetops and mourned his fate as he fell to the ground, bumping his head on rocks and scratching himself against twigs. Why fate had decided to turn against him was anyone's guess, Kagura was likely asking the same question, even as Sesshoumaru's body hovered over hers and forced her against the forest floor. The conversation that followed would be one that she would regret forever.


	12. Illusions of My Memories Chapter 12

Title: **Illusions of My Memories**

Author: SavingRain

Rating: R for violence, language, and some sexual content (this chapter has some especially bad language in it)

Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.

Pairings: Kagura/Sesshoumaru, Kagura/OC

Stones pierced her flesh and hot lips burned her cheeks. As Sesshoumaru rose over her, Kagura felt her mind become lost in a thrill of sensations: his hard body rubbing against her soft skin, the smoothness of his hair as it pooled over her neck, even the biting touch of his finger tips against her bare sides.

Overhead, the trees cast shadows that danced across Sesshoumaru's face, hiding him from Kagura's view as they wrestled in the darkness. Arms crushed her hands and legs pushed apart her thighs. When his mouth trailed over her neck she lost her will to resist, even as she told herself she should be resisting. Kagura let her head drop to the crook of Sesshoumaru's neck, preparing herself for his first thrust; when one's body is pitted against the only force that could master it, the resolve of the legs to kick weakens, and the sharpened tongue easily smooths its edges. Despite her hesitance, she had no real will to rise against Sesshoumaru and push him aside, she relished the coarse touches he gave her and the arduous attentions of his body.

She squeezed her eyes shut in acceptance as rough hands brusquely commanded hips, forcing them to sway and allowing him to slip her kimono open. The wind user blinked against the bleary darkness that loomed before her, clothing her body in soothing darkness, allowing her to believe that submission was the accepted fate of her kind. How could it be wrong to allow herself pleasure, even if its fingers were dipped in pain? Flashes of memory stirred her quiet mind, and Kagura cursed them, trying to push them away by running her hands over Sesshoumaru's chizzled front and back, curling in the sweat that had already glazed her body. She pained for him, she wanted him, but what the rest her mind would not allow her stirred the wind user's deeper thoughts: she was much more than a woman, caught between the throes of death and the keen eye of a haughty lord. Her world was not confining, no matter how intense her pain. Death would come, she was sure, but would she die with a satisfied grin on her face if it came tomorrow?

_If death finally became my master and tore freedom from my grasp, would I greet it with an eager grin?_

A decade ago, Kagura would not have hesitated to give her response: she would grin at death, she would tease it's trembling fingers and waiting hands. If it swallowed her whole, she would disappear inside of its maw without a second glance, pleased with the life that she had carved out for herself. Sesshoumaru made her a woman every night, and gave her a passing glance in the day. His acknowledgement was enough to cement her pride.

_The pain I feel now, is much like the pain I felt then. Writhing in his arms at night , made to bend and break and loving every moment of it, I had no doubt that death would never break me. I thought what I had was enough...forceful lips and grunts of release--weren't these what a woman should accept from the one she admired for so long? I followed him and he accepted me, I never had to beg him for the things that my mind could not fathom, he bestowed them upon me with the roughness that ruled his spirit and the violence that turned his heart. With wide eyes, I moved with hm, my body and my soul were handed over with a carelessness inappropriate for one who had spent such a long time trying to free herself from bondage. _

Sweat rolled down her thigh, followed by one stray hand, and the pain that followed--Kagura winced and was intensely aware of him as he dug his claws into her flesh to keep her in place, grunting as he explored her body. In that instance, it became quite easy for her to remember what a careless lover he was. Teeth raked across her lips when he claimed her mouth again, and she bristled with anger. The rising animosity within her made her face hot with more than just desire and churning blood.

_How can I let myself fall this low?_

Kagura seethed. Sesshoumaru was rough and domineering, bruising her skin and squeezing her sides. He had no regard for her body or its limits. As he teased her flesh into arousal, he pounded against her carelessly, creating sensations of pleasure and pain. Kagura bit her lip as she wondered how she could forget the madness with which he often took her and shook her head; even the erotic sensation of his naked body pressed against hers could not distill her frustration.

A veil of hair fell over her face, and she tried to chase the intruding thoughts away, sweeping her hands over Sesshoumaru's arms, gripping tightly to muscles as he pinned her to the ground. Pressed against his hard body, Kagura barely managed to breathe before he crushed her mouth with his, commanding her with rough lips and jagged teeth. Thoughts of choking hearts and bruised thighs would not leave her mind, and she felt blood rushing to her head as feelings of foreboding twisted in her stomach. Torn with self-hatred and disgust at the events unfolding before and around her, the wind user pinned her knees together.

Immediatly, confusion followed. Above her, Sesshoumaru's growl made her body tremble and her hands knot. He moved his hands over her thighs again. She didn't move. Ragged breathing left her body, choking out her lungs with the pressure that surrounded her, buried inside of his flesh. Like a catalyst to a funnel, she was channeling everything into her body, without the compulsion to let go. Her nails dug into his back and a strangled moan escaped her when her bare breasts rubbed against his chest.

Her mind buzzed and she felt old thoughts wash away, and Sesshoumaru's grip on her thighs tightened as her resolve to pin her knees together lessened.

_I'm better than this!_

WIth a stern grunt, Kagura locked her legs back in place and threw her head back, denying Sesshoumaru access to her mouth or face.

The lord paused, and with an exasperation that Kagura had never seen him openly express, removed himself, only slightly.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Kagura forcefully removed herself completely from his eager grasp and brought one hand up, pushing against his chest until he relented his grip. Sesshoumaru growled briefly in protest--his eyes aglow with primal energy, before he calmed himself and allowed her to move from beneath him.

With some disdain, the wind-user managed to note how labored her own breathing was in comparison to his. Her heart was beating rapidly within her chest, and she pulled herself upright on the grass to watch him move away.

"Bitch--"

"I don't recall asking you to touch me." The words spilled out of her mouth at a messy pace, and Kagura chastised herself for not having the fortitude to back them up with hardened eyes.

Wiping a stray hair from her brow, she allowed her eyes to travel down Sesshoumaru's muscular body before returning her gaze to his face. Embarrassment clouded her thoughts, and at once she was fully aware of her features, still blooming with the same arousal she had experienced upon fist coming into contact with his member. She squeezed her eyes shut briefly before taking stock of him again, this time keeping her gaze level with his own. His expression was blank, but he was clearly angry, studying her with a cautious and haughty air.

The Dog Lord didn't seem ready or willing to speak, and the wind-user wrapped her arms around her body, finally noticing her nudity. With a practiced hand, she slipped her kimono back onto her shoulders and brought it closed over her breasts. When she looked up from her task she saw that Sesshoumaru had already clothed himself and was glaring at her with all of the force that he could muster. For a few minutes she was afraid he would close the distance between them and rip her head off of her body.

Neither of these things happened. He simply continued to observer her, every twitch of her muscles, every pulse of blood that ran through her veins. His resentment of her rejection was clear. Trying her best to put his fearsome eyes out of her mind, Kagura hastily tied her obi and waited for him to say something again. However, Sesshoumaru had no need to, presence was enough to ensure that she understood what she had done. His brow lowered in anger.

_A woman refused me..._

The action was ludicrous--for Kagura to resist him verbally was one thing, but to deny him access to her body?

_This body, which I previously was free to exercise full reign over._

He ran his eyes over her sweat soaked brow and hidden curves. Only moments ago, he had been close to entering her depths. Now, because of her refusal, Kagura was beyond his reach. Her will was denying him. Somehow that action was more frustrating than anything else she could have done.

_She will permit an inferior male to have access to her body, but cannot allow me entrance? If I cannot bend her to my will or dismiss her from my presence, then how can she be controlled?_

His eyes narrowed further when she stood, daring to appear nonchalant and fix her hair, preening herself like a common whore in his presence.

_A woman who is willing to present herself to me with all of the brusqueness of a man and the fierceness of a warrior. A woman who is cowardly against those who can defeat her, and yet defiant before me--and now she finally spurns me, with the one instrument that I can utilize to control her is beyond my reach._

Kagura smoothed her hands over her sides and rescued her fan from the ground, slipping it comfortably into her hand. Sesshoumaru still watched her.

_Her body had always been a means for control. Kagura is a woman who is not submissive by nature or by choice, rather, she is defiant in every movement of her body and every dance of speech on her tongue. Her very attacks are totems of her freedom: her winds are reckless and cannot be guided by a deft hand or a commanding voice, no matter how fiercely she may cry them out. The blades of wind maim enemies in messy displays of force._

His brow fell further as he watched her stretch her arms over her head, tilting her head to the side, exposing her beautiful neck and a small bit of skin from where she had failed to tie her obi tightly earlier. This was not what Sesshoumaru had in mind when he had decided to take her. Kagura was supposed to let him exercise his will on her, and give her body to him so that he could claim himself as dominant and still her biting words and angry defiance.

_An insufferable woman..._

She stood before him, now more relaxed and brushing the dirt from her clothing. She wiped a smudge from her cheek and made a face at the mark on her hands.

"Leave."

His words hit Kagura with a frightful force, and she was visibly taken aback as his eyes bore into her.

"Excuse me?"

Her throat felt dry and her mouth was sluggish--the new ruler of the Northern Lands could barely manage a steady word between her lips.

"I will not repeat myself." Sesshoumaru turned his back to her and stared out into the distance.

Kagura folded her arms across her chest and sneered, then she laughed.

"Eeh?" She chuckled to herself, surprised at his puerile request and her own amusement with the situation that she was in. She had refused him. He had every right to run her through with Toukijin and wipe her off of the face of the earth.

_When he's done with me, I will be nothing but a blood stain on his sword._

_It's funny how things come back to me now, memories are like a rising fire, they start in wild sparks and engulf everything they touch in smoke and ash. If you tempt them with the right kindling, they will devour everything in sight._

What Sesshoumaru had just tried to do was kindling--dry and easy to burn, it was bring forth hot white flames that were tearing Kagura's minds into ashes.

_Looking at him now, it is easy for me to see how I became so enchanted with him. Sesshoumaru, an arrogant, controlling bastard, who once came to me every night and coaxed my body into his fondness desires. It is easy to remember what I hated but couldn't help loving about him: his hands are rough and uncaring, and his body is hard with a stiffness that yields more pain than pleasure. If I had known the way a woman could be touched when he took me those nights, I would never have let him take me again. He's pathetic now, glaring at me with his golden eyes and his fine face. How painful is it to be tossed aside? I wonder what you are thinking now--are you fuming and lost like I was when you sent me away so many years ago?_

_Of course not._

"You are too much of a man to give a care to what I know or feel," the words were lazy and dripped off of Kagura's tongue, crawling from the inside of her gut and for all to see, dancing on the edges of flames. Sesshoumaru's expression didn't change. "Are you going to send me away for rejecting you?"

The laugh in her voice was gone, replaced by an icy pain, an empty, acrid hurt. If Sesshoumaru knew how easily Kagura's respect for him could be broken, he would have persisted in his effort to send her away. To him, once a woman forgot her fondness for a lord, it would be easy to create a new relationship, one that was beyond teacher and pupil or master and servant. He could have deciphered a way to make bend her to him, and have his fun in doing it. If respect was what she needed to allow him into her bed, then why permit Azumamaro the same luxury? Fear was all he needed, he and he could be sure that admiration would follow. All of these notions were incorrect, but they ran through his thoughts like water through a strainer, spilling out into the reality that--as far as he knew--there was no real way to deter Kagura's respect, or her trust. These were two constants that gave her a witty tongue and a resistant body.

_A resistant body--_

He bristled with indignation.

Years ago, she had inclined her head to him and let him roam parts of her body that he had never seen and tease the regions that she kept hidden from view. Her soft folds were open to him, and he tasted her flesh and caressed her virgin skin.

"It's true isn't it?" she prodded him, circling him with one raised eyebrow, even as he quaked with anger. Her face softened a bit at his expression, and she allowed herself to look at him with all of the honesty she could muster.

_He wanted me, and I spurned him._

"Woman."

Kagura lowered her head slightly, squeezing her eyes shut.

_Can't you call me by my name?_

"We are leaving."

"No." Kagura shook her head defiantly, tucking her fan into her sash and plucking a feather from her hair. "Tell me, Sesshoumaru_-sama_, do you enjoy forcing me to do as you say and throwing me down in the grass like an animal?"

His eyes narrowed.

"You are treading on dangerous ground, woman."

Kagura ignored his tone and continued speaking. "I don't enjoy it, Sesshoumaru. I've decided to take the lordship of the Northern Lands because I think it would be in my best interest, not because of your shallow needs."

He glared at her.

"Am I to believe that you complain about your duties because you are pleased with them?" The rage in his voice was almost palpable.

The ruler of the Northern Lands bit her lip sourly, regarding him with a wicked eye.

"I've complained," she admitted, "but I want this, and if I'm going to keep it, I can't allow myself to be ruled by you, especially when you could care less about my concerns."

Sesshoumaru's eyes flicked to hers, with a look of clear indifference.

"Your concerns are not mine." He affirmed this without hesitation, reminding Kagura of his status and importance, and of how trivial she was in his grand view.

_But does that really matter to me?_

The corners of her mouth twitched slightly with a hidden smile.

_No, it does not._

"We are leaving." Sesshoumaru threw the words about casually, turning his back on her and descending down the path.

Kagura watched him for a moment, and then, with a brilliance that only she could posess, quite easily made what could have been the most difficult decision of her life. "No, I'm leaving."

Flicking her wrist out, she released her vessel and disappeared into a whirlwind of dust.

Sesshoumaru watched her, dumbfounded.


End file.
